yesterday when I was shopping cider at the local store they asked me for identification to confirm my age. I’m kind of used to it but this is funny because I’m really 31 years old and I think it’s because the way I dress like a teenager, I nearly always wear a hoodie and my AS likely make me seem younger maybe?
Thank you for asking, I think it can be a type of compliment really 😀 ❤
What was the last thing you did for play or fun?
I always enjoy saying silly and strange things in my native Norwegian language in English sounding words and vice versa, I do this every day including offline. And please don’t fall in the trapp, it’s life-dangerous 🤔🤣 it’s not only-only and I miss Hammer party.
this we all should learn well, how to be kind to all beings, including ourselves. I see it when I beat myself up and then realised it was too much.
Something about the way it looks,
to be broken beyond repair,
maybe that is the true meaning,
of the experience of this life
tonight
Also I’m drinking today, but I’m not very sad or anything similar. Sometimes I just like alcohol-containing drinks when it’s cold. And it really is very cold outside now. Feels like -26°C outside, and it really shows how strong we are ❤
I’ve always been quite far-left politically and I’ve identified as anarchist for many years. I always learn more about the World and my views change slightly from month to month. I also grew up with left/far-left family ideology, my great-grandfather was a true communist and he was even under attention from the Ruling class for his views. I have not gotten more conservative at all with the years but I’m more clear what I truly want to fight for, what is important to my activism.
Earl Grey tea, ginger tea and tea you get only in special tea shops
Energy drinks, esp Battery Blue
Hard cider, esp Mack Secco
Ready-made food, like Toro or other brand
Bacardi Breezer or sometimes Smirnoff Ice (rusbrus/alcopop)
+everything else I want/need in life
Time is strange. When I see it from my own mind how do I judge what is right now or the past? Because sometimes these terms conflict with each other, past intruding on present in many ways. I sometimes wonder if I have some kind of traumatic condition, or it’s just the way I am no matter what happens or treatments.
Thanks for reading ❤
I was reading something very interesting about extremely wealthy people, that they are acting from irrational beliefs and traumas from youth years. I almost wonder what Elon Musk would think.
så sulten, før var jeg tynn som bare det. 40kg og psykotisk, ung og usikker i tillegg.
så sulten, nå er jeg stor og svær ifølge min mormor. Har ingen anelse hva jeg veier nå. Big girl you are beautiful sa Mika i sangen hans.
Hungersnød i utviklingsland versus min midlertidige sultfølelse. Sanksjoner som tar liv av uskyldige barn; hva faen er det for noe ondskap?!
the space would adapt to my Light tolerance and mood, I most often live in almost total Darkness. But writing in notebooks require good Light to get down on paper successfully.
In addition it would be tidy and the temperature would be just right depending on weather conditions and season. Very soft ‘gulvteppe’ with beautiful patterns, comfortable chairs and sofa. Wonderful art and pictures of my family members and ancestors, books in the shelf and wood table to have my different type drinks resting on protected surface.
Big windows with adjustable curtains and our truly amazing view outside to be seen. And the room is colourful with several themes, especially reds and greens plus a blue/grey shade corner. My perfect home environment 🙂 ❤
thank you for reading ❤ 😀
Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.
My half-brother is a couple of years older than me, and we share a mother and have different fathers. I mentioned him in my related post on other blog, he has blond hair and blue eyes. He resemble both our maternal grandfather and his own father. He is my only sibling and he has two children, both girls. He is also a musician in several metal genres, I feel his creative works are great and useful for his own health as well. He also writes the song lyrics himself in our native language.
What I value most in our relationship is how we care deeply about the others well being and our unique sense of humor in the family, we are quite silly all of us and this is a very good thing to have. He also has bipolar condition, and I think that is part of his positive uniqueness in some ways.
Tusen takk bror, du er et godt menneske ❤
Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?
The title is the name of a group of musicians I was listening to a lot in my mid-late teenage years. They are kind of controversial in lyrics, but I enjoy it still. Some examples are the tracks ‘Uncle’, ‘Molly’, Diabolical’ and ‘Shut Me Up’. And I began listening again this year, using my adult perspective to interperate the message in the tracks through lyrics and mood in them.
The reason I mention them is the general feeling of my experiences this year I didn’t expect, my blogs and online life got much more important to my everyday life than I thought they would.
I also experience things differently in offline life, my support system broke down almost completely in April this year and my doctors sometimes being very authoritarian and playing God with my life. I’ve learned to stand up to abuse and being true to my real self, plus working toward healing and relate to others.
I actually appreciate learning from my unexpected experiences this year, also including the painful ones. Thank you for reading this and I wish you good luck and happy moments.
Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.
in 9th grade I spent a couple days working at the local library as part of my education, everyone had to choose somewhere they wanted to work and I love books of all kinds. I spoke with the adults working there and sorting through the books, keeping it tidy and organized well. I was quite psychotic at the time with voice-hearing constantly, along with the anxiety-related symptoms affecting my ability to do the tasks confidently and easily. One of the days I got nausea so strongly I just had to go home. But it was a useful experience, seeing how adults interact in work environment and what goes on behind the scenes in a library.
Jeg hadde ikke sett for meg hvor mye jeg har lært dette året. Og det jeg lærte er ganske anderledes enn det jeg hadde trodd da, jeg har fått mye mer innsikt rundt hvordan ordene mine kan påvirke andre på enorme avstander fra der jeg bor her i lille Norge. Og hvordan deres ord og kreativitet påvirker både meg og andre folk som leser dem, ser kunsten og hører musikken de deler. Jeg er takknemlig for det og håper å fortsette å lære så mye mer om alt.
i tillegg er jeg et år eldre, tar andre medisiner og er mange erfaringer rikere. På godt og vondt har jeg kommet hit, livet stopper ikke opp.
some English: what is most noticed in my daily life are my connections with the people interacting with me online. And the independent media I’ve been introduced through other blogs has made me open to other parts of life.
I dream differently when in my severe psychotic states than when I’m more baseline level. I feel like I’m in a limbo where I cannot tell my dreams from my waking state, everything is in chaos and painful inner feeling.
But what if they really are deeply connected, and that both my dreams and my psychosis has profound meaning to me? I struggle with these topics, especially the very profoundly depraved dreams I get sometimes. The hidden truth in my dreams scares me and lot and I want to just dismiss them as nothing special. And this is the message we get from outside world often, so it’s a normal experience to many people.
As an example, I often dream about my father and his youth; including the childhood adversity and xenophobia/racism he experienced in the 1970s and 1980s. I don’t know him, my mother left in 1995 after living in severe difficulties in the home for extended time. He has had substance addictions for my entire life and he likely has undiagnosed mental-health conditions as well, and in my mind it’s mostly because the System treated him with pure cruelty and him being chosen as a target by his classmates/other peers.
I believe dreams are significant and influence our waking hours more than we like to believe. Inside I know of the deeper message of my nightmares and depraved dreams, people in general are shaped into believing insight is truly not important and to be very outgoing, being on the surface level only. This is difficult for introspective people preferring to go deep into how and why, the real meaning of life and living.
Thank you for your time and attention, if you have a point of view on the topics that is welcome to share on the blog. Have a good night ❤
What could you do less of?
Btw this isn’t limited to my substances of use, I write without planning sometimes when in psychosis, strong emotions and intoxicated state.
(Edit: I’m not saying writing is wrong when emotional, just I write without plan)
I guess this is something I should really learn, it’s a journey and compassion is needed. Darkness and the night, I love music. Having 8 cans of hard cider in a binge-drinking session today, sometimes I drink when it’s too much to take in real life. Psychotic thinking connection with music and writing here. I want you to know I feel your pain within and I aim to heal these emotional wounds and difficult times in my past. If you don’t have heard I have schizoaffective condition and right now I’m mixed state and drunk and sad really.
Thank you kind person reading this ❤
What cities do you want to visit?
Hammerfest, I lived there for 6 years in my mid/late teens to early adult years. 10 000 people living there back then. It’s maybe strange to many people calling it a city but it’s actually quite urban in the main town area, much more than my current location and it’s an old city unlike ours. The weather is a lot different than here and some Norwegians can probably guess where I currently live, right?
I also want to see Seattle.
What did I do wrong
Speaking? Of course yes
These kids think I’m nothing
Because I speak different
They saw him on TV, thought it was so funny
so
the “Lapp” they call me
My dark hair and my eyes, reveal me
I’ve never been to Southern parts of Sweden before and Stockholm is an old city, a lot of history to explore. And the people around talk in Swedish language so it’s both familiar and quite different from my perspective. It would also be the largest city I’ve ever visited.
What are your two favorite things to wear?
I said in my other blog that I have several pairs of New Rock brand boots and I believe I had 4 pairs at one point several years ago when I had a habit of buying shoes. I wish I had kept my thin legs and still had very good heel-walking skills. And the lower limb surgery made me very sensitive to discomfort. But life is still certainly interesting and absolutely worth living from my point of view today 🤔❤️
Do you ever see wild animals?
Every day something enters my field of attention that is wild. It could be a magpie or a crow, a fox or a hare, and of course in our summer season there are beautiful stunning insects like the butterfly or dragonfly. We must never forget our own wild Nature and we belong together with all other beings on Earth.
My hope is that people say and believe I’m genuine from my core being, it’s something I value in myself and my friends. I’m not saying I never twist the truth or that I am always straightforward in communication, but I do my best to be myself genuinely and act with true compassion for others.
Another aspect is that I hope people know I’m quite mentally sharp and open minded. I hope they see beyond my diagnoses and labels, that we are all equal together even in our differences.
thank you for your time ❤
Also known as Luciadagen in Norway, I remember this from my childhood and youth. We had the blonde girls walking first with the lights, so of course I was last being a brunette. It was normal where I lived, I don’t know if it still is this way. I just want to bring attention to this holiday and our cultural features. I’m also part Swedish and the celebration is very important in Sweden.
What is one thing you would change about yourself?
I would not change one thing about my true self. But I would let go of the heavy defensive barriers around me, because I don’t need them anymore. I’m here on Earth to live this particular life, and I don’t want to waste it on fears and delusions.
And I want to be young forever, but this is also delusional thinking. We all age in some way and this has good parts as well. And thank you for reading ❤
I don’t know if it’s relevant to this question but I will share some of my experiences with the first day after surgery.
I have had many minor procedures in both of my lower limbs due to extremely painful condition. I don’t want to write too much about the reason or graphic detail. Walking is impossible in this state and the first time this surgery I had to be wheeled around the pharmacy to get the pain medications. And you really really need the medications ASAP to be able to fall and stay asleep. And you also need help with anything involving walking or standing for several days after the surgery.
It’s been 4 years since last time thank God and Nature I got treatments that works to prevent this condition.
be strong within yourself ❤
I’m making several cups of tea today, my favourite black tea is English tea shops Earl Grey. It’s just wonderful. And I love tea in general; herbal, iced tea, oolong etc. Snowstorms outside means the house gets colder and we need other heat sources in addition to electricity. So I drink my favourite hot tea and wear the blankets to feel blissfully warm. Norwegian culture ❤
Nå er det 12 dager til julaften og mørketiden er i gang her for lenge siden. Vi feirer dagen på storslått vis hvert år, julemiddag og pynte på kirkegården, pakke opp gaver og være sammen med familien. Det er skjønnhet i mørket også, det er aldri helt uten mening.
Are you more of a night or morning person?
I’ve said this before but not here yet. During May, June and July we have all-day light and night is like day in many ways. We don’t always have sunshine, but it’s literally never dark for several weeks. My favourite part of summer is when we sit outside in our garden in the middle of the night being with a couple of friends and having some cold drinks, in my case a couple of cans of hard alcohol-containing cider and Battery energy drinks. Looking out at the sea, the sky is beautiful and the whole experience is absolutely priceless. I miss the summer time at this moment.
And I’m usually a morning person, usually wake up at 5 in the morning every day. Thank you for reading my blog ❤
I have several times been one of the main characters in dramatic acting performing with others. I surprised some people with the passion because I’m a quiet and sensitive person in other areas, but creatively I’m kind of confident and bold in my way of being. I act with my inner core being living the characters life inside and outside, I take acting very seriously and I have lightminded fun at the same time.
And in 8th grade I performed my own track to my classmates as part of a school project along with my best friend, I wrote the lyrics by myself inspired by aspects of my everyday life. I say don’t worry and share your passion for life in your own creative ways ❤
Norwegian language:
Det er mye vind i dag, og jeg skal ut på noen ærend om et par timer. Gleder meg ikke akkurat til å være ute i dette været. Men kanskje vi endelig får orden i medisineringen min, det er viktig å se det positive i livet også ❤
Much of the same topics in English:
Thank you all for listening to my little words, there really is a storm outside here now. And I need some different regular/daily medications (esp other type of antipsychotic) and also my as-needed pharmaceuticals for the flare-ups of my conditions. Seeing the bright side of it ❤
What are your favorite physical activities or exercises?
In particular I enjoy climbing, hiking and I love looking out from the top of our Mountain restaurant; seeing our town in it’s true beauty. I truly am not afraid of heights at all. And all of these activities are good for strenght and endurance as well as your mood and the soul.
The man I mentioned earlier was actually a language teacher with an interest in religions and spirituality as well. He was like a friend to me and we actually connected quite deep, I believe he thought I was worth getting to know well. He was great and also quite funny, he came from Trøndelag in Norway and moved South after he had his own children.
Thank you for reading ❤
Do you have a favorite place you have visited? Where is it?
I mentioned this beautiful place on my other blog recently, but I want to go more in-depth here. It’s in my home county Finnmark in Norway. This little place is one I lived very close to and I enjoyed to be at the beach and see the truly wonderful scenery every time. And the connections were profound and deep, I was once there with a spiritual man interested in chakras and Eastern religions. I miss him and I hope he is doing great in his native region. We are ment to see/meet many people in our lives and to make it count. The sand and the wildlife, the beauty of the scenery and my mindset connected so strongly to create special feelings and memories I still have over 10 years since being there last time.
Thanks for reading this ❤
What are your two favorite things to wear?
And not just any kind; but those deeply connected to my roots. It’s a special shoe used by Sámi people in the winter, especially when the snow is more dry. They are called nutukas/Sámi boots and they are made from reindeer hide.
I also like the mixing of traditional and modern clothing, I wear hoodies along with my nutukas.
edit much later: I know some Sámi people are against mixing cultures and modern clothing, and I think it’s more complex than just saying no to all non-traditional dress. And of course I wear my nutukas with hoodies, I nearly always wear hoodies. Æ e tross alt same æ også ❤
Å gro sammen igjen etter vanskene du har opplevd er så viktig og er i tillegg en bragd du skal være stolt over. Ingen klarer det alene, men du kan gro sammen igjen med hjelp fra andre ❤
My goal is to heal from my adversity to my healing mind and emotions. How my history has made me strong and compassionate, also through my knowledge of my fathers difficult childhood and youth. How racism affect our society and how we can fight these forces of evil.
Tusen takk for besøket, og vi er så sterke når vi er sammen ❤
The weather conditions are crazy right now, strong winds and rain/snow mixed together (in Norwegian language it’s called ‘sludd’). And I’m so not going outside today.
What is something others do that sparks your admiration?
Let me just mention that Chiron is strong in my astrology birth chart and my current life. So I identify with this theme from experience, interesting fact is that my father has the same Sun-Chiron conjunction as I have in his own chart. I believe we are all healers on some level either within ourselves or helping mend others wounds, I know nurses who are very deeply passionate about caring for others, physical wounds or emotional. I really admire these people because it’s inner strenght and also dedication to something larger.
Thank you for reading my blog ❤
Jeg kan øve på å være tålmodig, det trengs virkelig i hverdagen inkludert på Internett. Og ikke alle kan være positive til det jeg skriver, det er en del av livet tross alt.
This post will be in two languages
I currently have an energy drink every morning, and I had a heavy dependence on it for 10 years. I was drinking four big cans every day, I quit in 2018 after my psychiatrist suggested doing this.
Det var ikke lett å slutte med dem etter så mange år med denne avhengigheten, jeg husker spesielt hvor utmattet og trøtt jeg var i starten. Jeg brukte smertestillende med koffein mot abstinenssymptomer og klarte å redusere forbruket betraktelig, i begynnelsen helt uten energidrikk som jeg erstattet med å drikke cola.
My father is an addict and I’ve had struggles with alcohol at times in my own case. The combined habit of drinks really cost me a lot of time, energy and money. And the intoxication was much more pleasant when on the combination, the music was wonderful and I just didn’t care so much about my life difficulties.
I’m in a lot of pain at this time from the monthly hell, in addition to my usual paroxysmal hemicrania and migraine. It’s so strong I cannot even move and I have errands today, I hope they can be postponed to tomorrow instead.
edit: paroxysmal hemicrania is a neurological condition quite similar to cluster headaches. And at this moment I’m very restless from this, painfully conflicting with my migraine and period pain.
One of the reasons for this blog is to create somewhere people can be truly themselves in safety. I welcome anyone here, and I try and respect the value of all good-natured people a lot.
We can only be one if we are different together.
Jeg har vært pasient i psykiatrien siden 2007 da jeg ble henvist til BUP. Ble psykotisk i 2005 etter mange år med vanskeligheter i livet. Jeg gikk lenge uten noen offisiel diagnose og fikk ikke effektiv behandling før jeg var 20 år gammel i 2013.
Jeg var en kasteball i systemet en god stund, mye på grunn av min daværende diagnose på barneautisme/infantil/klassisk tilstand. Uten medisiner er jeg konstant psykotisk i varierende grad og derfor så de symptomer på schizofreni som tegn på autisme, selv om jeg egentlig har noe som ligner mer på Asperger. Jeg har ikke alvorlig autisme og mange av symptomene mine ble bedre med medisiner.
My Kven and Finnish roots run deep in our family history. And I really identify as Kven in everyday life. I’m a member of a local group for Kven people, I’m really kind of like an activist on these important topics.
I believe our people are just as indigenous to Arctic regions as the Sámi group I also belong to ethnically and officially. We are not immigrants in the modern sense and the culture (including the language) is worth preserving and protecting from my point of view as a Kven.
Norwegian: på den andre bloggen min har jeg skrevet ganske mye om min samiske identitet og det kommer jeg til å gjøre på denne siden også. Jeg kan anbefale å granske slekta grundig for å finne ekte røtter, og jeg har tatt to DNA-tester i fjor som viste noen interessante ting angående etnisitet og ukjente slektskap. Min mormor og farmor er fjerne slektninger uten at de var klar over det.
I have schizoaffective/schizophrenia diagnosed in 2013 when I was 20 years old. My first real psychotic break was in 2005 and ever since then I’ve had psychosis wax and wane with the seasons.
The twilight gets darker every day until Christmas and when the Sun returns in January we are happy to feel the Light hitting our eyes.
I’m curious what the next year will bring. My other blog has been online since November 2023 and this blog will likely be somewhat different.
This is my new blog, I feel like I needed another one so here we are now ❤
cloudB 