What was the last thing you did for play or fun?
I played the mix I downloaded from YouTube on my old iPod with some good ear buds for music. And I actually love drum&bass; as it says below on the text I enjoy electronic dance music ❤
And I often create music in my dreams, maybe I should be a (female) DJ or something. Have a great time everyone ❤
I’m going to watch this very soon along with my mother who has roots in Agder and Rogaland, of (very likely) part Reisende/skøyer ancestry as well as ethnic Norwegian origins. It’s on NRK’s online television (nett-TV) and it’s a documentary about this ethnicity and culture, how the State and ordinary people discriminated against them (or much better said; us), the languages and roots of this coastal region Traveller peoples.
My family is truly great, my best friends saved my life in childhood/youth and even society as a whole can affect how I relate to others joy and suffering and my self-worth. My enemies actually remind me of being the better person and this possibly sometimes helps their own issues as well, nothing is completely random in relationships including the difficult aspects/people we face.
Everyone matters to the Spirit in the Sky.
I have finished one class/topic in 1st year of videregående skole (I believe this corresponds to late high-school years in the USA?) and no more education after this, I was too sick to even get home-based school or special adjustment. But I did what I could to make it through the day, minute by minute. So I have not attended college or university, unfortunately.
thanks for the visit/reading ❤
I’m almost certainly of several Traveller peoples origins, including Scandinavian Romani/Tatere/Yenish/skøyer ethnicity and possibly of Finnish Kale Romani ancestry. This is supported by family research, family stories and DNA-testing/genetic relatives/interpretation. I really like the different Traveller peoples languages and cultural background, including the Rom people. The traditional music is so emotional, and I am proud of my ancestors no matter their ethnicity or language.
it’s probably clear from my writing where my thinking is most often directed, the past is where I write from frequently. A part of it is the feeling that the future doesn’t exist yet and I cannot remember it.
Another aspect are my passions for astrology and genealogy, I know astrology is related to our future as well but I’m often using it to understand past thoughts and behaviour. So it’s clear I’m into history in general, including DNA-testing.
And I do try and be here in the now as much as possible, but things don’t make sense to me without knowing the past. Thanks for reading ❤
How are you creative?
In addition to my schizoaffective condition I am an Aspergian/Aspie/autistic woman and I feel like I have a creative side influenced by these states of being different from the norm. I think outside the box and colour outside the lines on paper in several ways, especially when it comes to social interaction and writing from my core being. It’s not easy being different but it’s my true life and part of my mission in human nature, we make life interesting in ways the NT’s cannot explain from their perspective. Btw I believe we are one in our humanity despite our differences, and I love my mostly neurotypical relatives with every nerve in my inner fire/soul. And we absolutely do have souls like every other living human or animal, never ever forget it 💔🤔
When are you most happy?
I’m kind of exhausted from this Christmas time celebrations with our large family events, and I’m now going to relax completely the entire evening. I love tea and I really enjoy being comfortable and spend time by myself when I need it. I’m looking forward to the new year.
It’s the most social I’ve been this year, and it’s mostly a good thing. I hope your days are good and have a great holiday ❤
I don’t know how to drive a car, but I have tried successfully driving a snowmobile though it wasn’t strictly legal. Btw I had a lot of fun in the Easter sun spending time there in the Mountains, our family has a cabin/cottage very close to a frozen lake which was where I was driving the snowmobile on. I have temporal lobe epilepsy and I don’t need to know how to drive anyway due to our location and our household is quite environmental minded.
Back to the topic of cars; I like special cars in different kinds, from the very fastest ones to the most iconic looking. Like a Ferrari or similar type of sports car.
In my astrology I’m strongly influenced by Leo and Virgo, my Sun is in 12th house along with Mercury, Chiron and several other planets. My Moon sign is Sagittarius in 4th house, so I’m clearly influenced by fire element in water-themed astrological houses.
there are interesting ways this influence manifests in my everyday life and online, I’m not at all afraid of heights or surgery and several other fearsome topics. But what scares me is my own mind and other people; I have severe psychotic symptoms that affect how I see reality, my inner world and my own life experiences.
Slektsforskning har hjulpet meg å se hvor jeg kommer fra, hvor røttene mine går og hva det betyr i min hverdag. Også DNA-testene jeg og familien har tatt er viktige for oss, hvordan vi er en del av et mye større samfunn enn det vi ofte tror.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here, but I was bullied throughout my childhood and youth years. My father was as well, yet quite more severe than in my case. I was very short and of different ethnic background from the Nordic kids in general so they made cruel fun of this constantly. My given name was a source of humiliation by them as well, I have a so-called ‘old aunts name’ for people in my generation. I think it was often motivated more by my undiagnosed Asperger syndrome and psychosis than my ethnicity/origins, autistics often stand out in our way of being and behaviour.
I also had a younger female friend with a significant case of AS/Asperger syndrome and I really wish I had been much more understanding and kinder to her, she deserved better than how we (me and her neurotypical same-aged friend) treated her. She was a true friend and I hope she is doing very well in adult years, it’s quite difficult being different often. Anyway I had best friends my own age and they helped me a lot in hard times.
I was often sick and had struggles with different conditions both in mental health/emotional reactions and physical health/well-being. I escaped my hard life in several ways, including listening to music and to skip school and stay outside; often being near a big rock by the main road and with feelings of freedom from my tormentors strong grip on my fragile self-worth.
I’m lucky to still be living, I had deep shame and my mental health was affected a lot. Thank you for reading and also for your time ❤
I used to search for thinspiration online when I had relapse of my restrictive eating disorder, but once my treatments began working on my obsessive part of the conditions I didn’t care much about it. I actually think it reveals interesting parts of our society and to learn from this should not be forgotten or ignored.
And I have enjoyed writing my whole life, it’s part of my everyday life and a major reason I blog. I like posting music videos as well, I have plenty on my other blog and I may post something here soon. Storytelling is interesting also, the visual arts and outside the box way of thought. I’m schizoaffective and I believe this can be a part of my creative strenghts.
Who are the biggest influences in your life?
I live on this Earth with every terrestrial being. It’s the most obvious answer really, when I think in terms of life itself. And I believe we should honor our host in everyday life, we would be completely lost without Her.
vi skal feire jul i morgen hos familien, ribbe og annen julemat pluss alt det andre vi gjør hver jul sammen. Jeg var syk på julaften for 2 år siden og var hjemme den gangen, det var ikke spesielt gøy for å si det på den måten. Men det ser ut til å bli feiring i år, spennende å se hvilke gaver vi gir hverandre denne gangen. God jul alle sammen ❤
some English summary: this is about our Christmas Eve celebration with the family, our meal at the table and gifts to each other. I was sick on Christmas Eve a couple of years ago and had to stay home trying to sleep, it was no fun but I had no other choices. Merry Christmas everyone ❤
What skills or lessons have you learned recently?
I have looked into spirituality and my experiences with adversity and mental illness, and seen many aspects I’ve never thought about deeply enough. How I affect others with what I share, how my words reveal my mind to the outside world. A lot of what I’ve learned I actually already knew deep within myself, but didn’t think about in the Light of awareness.
I’m currently 31 years old and was born in late summer in Arctic region Scandinavia. Varg Vikernes killed Euronymous in August that year, very close to my birthday. Black metal. Also Nirvana released their album In Utero in 1993. Bill Clinton in the USA and Gro Harlem Brundtland in Norway. Yugoslav Wars and the Gulf War. I’m sorry this is not very in-depth but I’m quite manic and I hear voices so loud I cannot think almost.
Thank you for reading this ❤
Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.
I met my father in Autumn 2007 after 12 years not knowing him. It was him who contacted us, we actually met three times at a spescific location with someone else present. I’m not going into details about why he didn’t visit our home.
I remember being very nervous and excited about meeting him, btw I was an emo kid so I wore heavy black eyeliner on that faithful day.
When I saw him walking past the room I was like ‘omg, he really is just like me!’ and that was true every time we met, I was used to see how I was similar to my mother in political views and philosophy etc but my appearance is more like his and the way we think and respond to others.
This was profound in every way, and I am grateful for those moments and when the conversations were friendly (they were not always, I mention again he wasn’t in our home), and I learned a lot about him and myself in these experiences. I hope this was interesting to others, and true Sámi passion forever ❤
We don’t have mascots in sports in Norway? I might be wrong, but I don’t really think we do. And it matters the particular sport they play, I like volleyball. If I would choose colour and mascots it would be black and red, and the mascot would be a raven. Maybe I should mention I’m an anarchist so black + red is very symbolic of my ideology. Yes, anarchist volleyball with a raven. ❤ ❤ ❤
the biggest one for me is the music I was listening to in my late childhood and youth, it really is special to me. Another thing that makes me nostalgic is looking at old journals and notebooks, especially when my best friends wrote a message to me in them. I miss my youth a lot even though I was psychotic and depressive most of that time, I’m now 31 and quite lonely. And seeing my old toys is especially emotional, the mean kids tried to destroy them when I was “stupid” enough to bring them to school with me. I’m really feeling it now, but maybe that’s a good thing sometimes. Thank you for reading ❤
We have a complex relation, I have much compassion with his struggles and his inner strenghts. But in some ways you could say we all have choices in life, and he made some unfortunate ones in his young adulthood that prevented him knowing me and being my true father image. So what I’m really relating to is only a self-created impression from my own experience and perspective, I don’t actually understand him as he really is. He has at least 4 planets in Pisces and it shows in his life experience and way of speaking. I also watched the 1975 TV series named ‘Benoni og Rosa’ recently to understand his childhood adversity and the severe bullying he experienced in 1970s and 1980s Northern Norwegian society. He is of Sámi origins significantly and the kids called him ‘Lapp’ constantly, he didn’t know of his true Sámi roots until 2008 when I research his biological father history and genealogy. He is clearly over 25% Sámi or Finnish according to DNA-testing and his overall appearance match this as well, dark and coarse hair, high/prominent cheekbones plus almond-like shape to his eyes. I look more like him than I do with my mother in many ways. I wish he didn’t have the substance use addictions and his issues with rage, he has a tendency to play with others mind and emotions I know sadly from own experience in teenage years.
And I hope his Christmas and New Years will bring him more joy than pain.
Thanks for reading this post ❤
in real life/offline I can quite easily tell by my inner feeling if someone is basically good-natured or not. Those who are not good-natured I will try to avoid whenever that is possible, I cannot deal well with mean people because I’m sensitive to rejection and of course to abuse of different types. Online I cannot see the full true behaviour of my fellow visitor of the World Wide Web so I’m really using my inner judgement based on their writing, my own offline experience with people and online reality/social rules.
in addition to see if someone is good-natured, I can tell whether someone truly likes me or not, if they are neurotypical or neurodivergent/autistic and I have a kind of intuition regarding someones music preferance being similar to mine.
When are you most happy?
When I feel comfortable and relaxing with a cup of tea, seeing our amazing view from our house and knowing I am safe in my environment. I have severe pain and when I get pain relief from the medications I see how prescious life is underneath my agony, being blissfully aware of beauty.
Takk Gud for alt ❤
yesterday when I was shopping cider at the local store they asked me for identification to confirm my age. I’m kind of used to it but this is funny because I’m really 31 years old and I think it’s because the way I dress like a teenager, I nearly always wear a hoodie and my AS likely make me seem younger maybe?
Thank you for asking, I think it can be a type of compliment really 😀 ❤
What was the last thing you did for play or fun?
I always enjoy saying silly and strange things in my native Norwegian language in English sounding words and vice versa, I do this every day including offline. And please don’t fall in the trapp, it’s life-dangerous 🤔🤣 it’s not only-only and I miss Hammer party.
this we all should learn well, how to be kind to all beings, including ourselves. I see it when I beat myself up and then realised it was too much.
Something about the way it looks,
to be broken beyond repair,
maybe that is the true meaning,
of the experience of this life
tonight
Also I’m drinking today, but I’m not very sad or anything similar. Sometimes I just like alcohol-containing drinks when it’s cold. And it really is very cold outside now. Feels like -26°C outside, and it really shows how strong we are ❤
I’ve always been quite far-left politically and I’ve identified as anarchist for many years. I always learn more about the World and my views change slightly from month to month. I also grew up with left/far-left family ideology, my great-grandfather was a true communist and he was even under attention from the Ruling class for his views. I have not gotten more conservative at all with the years but I’m more clear what I truly want to fight for, what is important to my activism.
Earl Grey tea, ginger tea and tea you get only in special tea shops
Energy drinks, esp Battery Blue
Hard cider, esp Mack Secco
Ready-made food, like Toro or other brand
Bacardi Breezer or sometimes Smirnoff Ice (rusbrus/alcopop)
+everything else I want/need in life
Time is strange. When I see it from my own mind how do I judge what is right now or the past? Because sometimes these terms conflict with each other, past intruding on present in many ways. I sometimes wonder if I have some kind of traumatic condition, or it’s just the way I am no matter what happens or treatments.
Thanks for reading ❤
I was reading something very interesting about extremely wealthy people, that they are acting from irrational beliefs and traumas from youth years. I almost wonder what Elon Musk would think.
så sulten, før var jeg tynn som bare det. 40kg og psykotisk, ung og usikker i tillegg.
så sulten, nå er jeg stor og svær ifølge min mormor. Har ingen anelse hva jeg veier nå. Big girl you are beautiful sa Mika i sangen hans.
Hungersnød i utviklingsland versus min midlertidige sultfølelse. Sanksjoner som tar liv av uskyldige barn; hva faen er det for noe ondskap?!
the space would adapt to my Light tolerance and mood, I most often live in almost total Darkness. But writing in notebooks require good Light to get down on paper successfully.
In addition it would be tidy and the temperature would be just right depending on weather conditions and season. Very soft ‘gulvteppe’ with beautiful patterns, comfortable chairs and sofa. Wonderful art and pictures of my family members and ancestors, books in the shelf and wood table to have my different type drinks resting on protected surface.
Big windows with adjustable curtains and our truly amazing view outside to be seen. And the room is colourful with several themes, especially reds and greens plus a blue/grey shade corner. My perfect home environment 🙂 ❤
thank you for reading ❤ 😀
Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.
My half-brother is a couple of years older than me, and we share a mother and have different fathers. I mentioned him in my related post on other blog, he has blond hair and blue eyes. He resemble both our maternal grandfather and his own father. He is my only sibling and he has two children, both girls. He is also a musician in several metal genres, I feel his creative works are great and useful for his own health as well. He also writes the song lyrics himself in our native language.
What I value most in our relationship is how we care deeply about the others well being and our unique sense of humor in the family, we are quite silly all of us and this is a very good thing to have. He also has bipolar condition, and I think that is part of his positive uniqueness in some ways.
Tusen takk bror, du er et godt menneske ❤
Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?
The title is the name of a group of musicians I was listening to a lot in my mid-late teenage years. They are kind of controversial in lyrics, but I enjoy it still. Some examples are the tracks ‘Uncle’, ‘Molly’, Diabolical’ and ‘Shut Me Up’. And I began listening again this year, using my adult perspective to interperate the message in the tracks through lyrics and mood in them.
The reason I mention them is the general feeling of my experiences this year I didn’t expect, my blogs and online life got much more important to my everyday life than I thought they would.
I also experience things differently in offline life, my support system broke down almost completely in April this year and my doctors sometimes being very authoritarian and playing God with my life. I’ve learned to stand up to abuse and being true to my real self, plus working toward healing and relate to others.
I actually appreciate learning from my unexpected experiences this year, also including the painful ones. Thank you for reading this and I wish you good luck and happy moments.
Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.
in 9th grade I spent a couple days working at the local library as part of my education, everyone had to choose somewhere they wanted to work and I love books of all kinds. I spoke with the adults working there and sorting through the books, keeping it tidy and organized well. I was quite psychotic at the time with voice-hearing constantly, along with the anxiety-related symptoms affecting my ability to do the tasks confidently and easily. One of the days I got nausea so strongly I just had to go home. But it was a useful experience, seeing how adults interact in work environment and what goes on behind the scenes in a library.
Jeg hadde ikke sett for meg hvor mye jeg har lært dette året. Og det jeg lærte er ganske anderledes enn det jeg hadde trodd da, jeg har fått mye mer innsikt rundt hvordan ordene mine kan påvirke andre på enorme avstander fra der jeg bor her i lille Norge. Og hvordan deres ord og kreativitet påvirker både meg og andre folk som leser dem, ser kunsten og hører musikken de deler. Jeg er takknemlig for det og håper å fortsette å lære så mye mer om alt.
i tillegg er jeg et år eldre, tar andre medisiner og er mange erfaringer rikere. På godt og vondt har jeg kommet hit, livet stopper ikke opp.
some English: what is most noticed in my daily life are my connections with the people interacting with me online. And the independent media I’ve been introduced through other blogs has made me open to other parts of life.
I dream differently when in my severe psychotic states than when I’m more baseline level. I feel like I’m in a limbo where I cannot tell my dreams from my waking state, everything is in chaos and painful inner feeling.
But what if they really are deeply connected, and that both my dreams and my psychosis has profound meaning to me? I struggle with these topics, especially the very profoundly depraved dreams I get sometimes. The hidden truth in my dreams scares me and lot and I want to just dismiss them as nothing special. And this is the message we get from outside world often, so it’s a normal experience to many people.
As an example, I often dream about my father and his youth; including the childhood adversity and xenophobia/racism he experienced in the 1970s and 1980s. I don’t know him, my mother left in 1995 after living in severe difficulties in the home for extended time. He has had substance addictions for my entire life and he likely has undiagnosed mental-health conditions as well, and in my mind it’s mostly because the System treated him with pure cruelty and him being chosen as a target by his classmates/other peers.
I believe dreams are significant and influence our waking hours more than we like to believe. Inside I know of the deeper message of my nightmares and depraved dreams, people in general are shaped into believing insight is truly not important and to be very outgoing, being on the surface level only. This is difficult for introspective people preferring to go deep into how and why, the real meaning of life and living.
Thank you for your time and attention, if you have a point of view on the topics that is welcome to share on the blog. Have a good night ❤
What could you do less of?
Btw this isn’t limited to my substances of use, I write without planning sometimes when in psychosis, strong emotions and intoxicated state.
(Edit: I’m not saying writing is wrong when emotional, just I write without plan)
I guess this is something I should really learn, it’s a journey and compassion is needed. Darkness and the night, I love music. Having 8 cans of hard cider in a binge-drinking session today, sometimes I drink when it’s too much to take in real life. Psychotic thinking connection with music and writing here. I want you to know I feel your pain within and I aim to heal these emotional wounds and difficult times in my past. If you don’t have heard I have schizoaffective condition and right now I’m mixed state and drunk and sad really.
Thank you kind person reading this ❤
What cities do you want to visit?
Hammerfest, I lived there for 6 years in my mid/late teens to early adult years. 10 000 people living there back then. It’s maybe strange to many people calling it a city but it’s actually quite urban in the main town area, much more than my current location and it’s an old city unlike ours. The weather is a lot different than here and some Norwegians can probably guess where I currently live, right?
I also want to see Seattle.
What did I do wrong
Speaking? Of course yes
These kids think I’m nothing
Because I speak different
They saw him on TV, thought it was so funny
so
the “Lapp” they call me
My dark hair and my eyes, reveal me
I’ve never been to Southern parts of Sweden before and Stockholm is an old city, a lot of history to explore. And the people around talk in Swedish language so it’s both familiar and quite different from my perspective. It would also be the largest city I’ve ever visited.
What are your two favorite things to wear?
I said in my other blog that I have several pairs of New Rock brand boots and I believe I had 4 pairs at one point several years ago when I had a habit of buying shoes. I wish I had kept my thin legs and still had very good heel-walking skills. And the lower limb surgery made me very sensitive to discomfort. But life is still certainly interesting and absolutely worth living from my point of view today 🤔❤️
Do you ever see wild animals?
Every day something enters my field of attention that is wild. It could be a magpie or a crow, a fox or a hare, and of course in our summer season there are beautiful stunning insects like the butterfly or dragonfly. We must never forget our own wild Nature and we belong together with all other beings on Earth.
My hope is that people say and believe I’m genuine from my core being, it’s something I value in myself and my friends. I’m not saying I never twist the truth or that I am always straightforward in communication, but I do my best to be myself genuinely and act with true compassion for others.
Another aspect is that I hope people know I’m quite mentally sharp and open minded. I hope they see beyond my diagnoses and labels, that we are all equal together even in our differences.
thank you for your time ❤
Also known as Luciadagen in Norway, I remember this from my childhood and youth. We had the blonde girls walking first with the lights, so of course I was last being a brunette. It was normal where I lived, I don’t know if it still is this way. I just want to bring attention to this holiday and our cultural features. I’m also part Swedish and the celebration is very important in Sweden.
What is one thing you would change about yourself?
I would not change one thing about my true self. But I would let go of the heavy defensive barriers around me, because I don’t need them anymore. I’m here on Earth to live this particular life, and I don’t want to waste it on fears and delusions.
And I want to be young forever, but this is also delusional thinking. We all age in some way and this has good parts as well. And thank you for reading ❤
I don’t know if it’s relevant to this question but I will share some of my experiences with the first day after surgery.
I have had many minor procedures in both of my lower limbs due to extremely painful condition. I don’t want to write too much about the reason or graphic detail. Walking is impossible in this state and the first time this surgery I had to be wheeled around the pharmacy to get the pain medications. And you really really need the medications ASAP to be able to fall and stay asleep. And you also need help with anything involving walking or standing for several days after the surgery.
It’s been 4 years since last time thank God and Nature I got treatments that works to prevent this condition.
be strong within yourself ❤
I’m making several cups of tea today, my favourite black tea is English tea shops Earl Grey. It’s just wonderful. And I love tea in general; herbal, iced tea, oolong etc. Snowstorms outside means the house gets colder and we need other heat sources in addition to electricity. So I drink my favourite hot tea and wear the blankets to feel blissfully warm. Norwegian culture ❤
Nå er det 12 dager til julaften og mørketiden er i gang her for lenge siden. Vi feirer dagen på storslått vis hvert år, julemiddag og pynte på kirkegården, pakke opp gaver og være sammen med familien. Det er skjønnhet i mørket også, det er aldri helt uten mening.
cloudB 