Tag: bullying

interview

answer to dailyprompt-2046

24 years ago I was 8 and with early development of (untreated) schizoaffective condition and undiagnosed moderate-severe case Asperger syndrome. This is an interview with my childhood self.

Note/warning: difficult topics/themes related to childhood adversity

how do you feel about school?

They take my things and hold it above my head, I’m so much shorter that I cannot reach. They make fun of my names. They pretend that I pee in my pants when they pour orange juice on my jeans/tights in class. They kicked my friend to the ground for several minutes. My friend is of part Asian roots and the bullies don’t like the outsiders. It doesn’t help the bullying situation that I actually lose control of myself at school some days and my blonde teacher does very wrong things to me after gym class, especially when I’m having accidents.

what do you like to do in free time?

I watch cartoon series and read books inside, I write in my journal about everything and most of all I enjoy playing with my best friend outside in forest for several hours right by our home areas. We also play computer games together. My mother lets me play outside with my friend and she comes to our apartment often, too. It makes almost all of my hard efforts that I get through the days very worth it.

what happen inside your mind?

I create those different worlds that I tell the adults about with great passion. I’m sometimes wondering if I have magical powers and I hear things often that others really don’t. I don’t know why I don’t understand what they mean with the words and expressions, I often forget going back to class after recess. I cannot listen to teacher because I have fantasies and live in my head, the much safer place inside. I make myself throw up after food, if only I was thinner they would stop. My blonde teacher says so, be a good girl and not so chubby.

what is your nationality and do they make fun of your background?

I believe they are bullying me because I’m a strange one; not like them, very much shorter, with my very long and thick dark colour hair, I have a golden-ish ivory skin tone, my eyes are the Northern type with hazel colour, I’m a Finnish/Saami girl with the more strong cheekbones, but I don’t know why it seems it matters so much to the bullies.

what would you like to be when you are grown up? 

I maybe would write a book series like Harry Potter books or maybe help other girls feel better when the others are bullying them or teacher doing wrong things to them. Fairtrade tea. Save the forests. Be kind to the refugees. Best friends forever and nothing else matters. Metal, pitch black and heavy. Yeah, I said that. At eight!

Thanks for listening to my late-mid childhood self ❤

I always keep a bottle near (part II)

How do you plan your goals?

Note: I go into details about different topics. And I have chosen the pictures with deliberate action.

Yeah, I’m a summer season alcoholic since around year 2019. I’m binge-drinking alone listening to my favourite music on my good quality sound system or just with earphones on my old iPod touch, I like cider and alcopop (rusbrus) plus raspberry flavour rum and mild taste blueberry vodka. I call myself a ‘Razzpergian’ because I love Bacardi Razz and I have Asperger syndrome.

I plan my goals in management ways, I break down what I do in several pieces. I get these plans working together with family and mental health support network including psychiatric doctor and specialised nurse. I have written down plan with what actions to take in mental illness worsening.

So these are a few ways how I get things done and plan for future, coping with my mental illness. And my alcohol use.. could be less, and will be less!

Thank you for listening ❤

emotional experience

standing in the rain playing in the background. I love many Billy Talent songs from youth ❤

emo kid with the heavy eyeliner and I also love hoodies still. They bullied me and poured orange juice on my jeans, then told the teachers I had peed on myself. It was worse because I often actually had wet in my jeans in class or during recess, I also had nocturnal enuresis/chronic bedwetting even at age 16. I had other issues with the function of the body. I wore type protective underwear during my heavy womanhood curse and was prescribed this aid from pharmacy like place. The protection works well, I use it still during my womanhood curse and especially at night. I need to write about this sometimes because it does affected my mental health strong.

I was an emo kid but didn’t self-harm with sharp things. I beat myself with glass bottles of Coca-Cola along with plastic bottles, had big bruises I was try hiding from everyone. I had the emo bangs and my hair was it’s own dark brown colour. I listening to MCR and The Used as well as other type emo musicians.

I’m suffering from psychosis and voice-hearing is part of my everyday life. They say very abusive things to me, reminding me of shameful times and emotional pain. They say strange things like ‘she is going to have major accidents in public’, in local grocery store. I’m a psychiatric patient and I’m an Aspie, that is I have Asperger syndrome. I must sometimes write because it actually helps me deal with my mental illness and the vivid memories of childhood adversity and bullying.

I need the medicine

yes, this is kind of random and I’m taking my medications of course. Just not really on time which gives me symptoms of pain.

I’m so sick by Flyleaf

Pain by Jimmy Eat World

billy talent – Nothing to lose

a bootleg version of Borgeous – Invincible

billy talent- Standing in the rain

other bootleg of Borgeous – Invincible

billy talent- River Below

Three Days Grace – Animal

Three Days Grace – I hate everything about you

Bullet for my Valentine – All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me)

My friend the bully

WARNING; EMBARRASSING AND PAINFUL TOPICS

I need to talk about this now, it’s building up within me and I hope this will work somewhat

My friend was a girl bully and had extreme ADHD, of African ancestry and an Aries by sun. Some of the worst things I’ve heard came from her words. I got the impression we were friends mostly so she could have a friend (me) who needed her a lot and was loyal to her because the others were bullying me. I also had accidents  often. She told her friends I was retarded and wore diapers that she changed and put on me. This thing really hurts to write 😭😣💔 but it was all lies, she didn’t do these job of course

So I had a bully friend in 8th to 10th grade

Shame, abuse, bullying, questions and voices

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.

I dislike when people are asking me if I was being bullied and if I have been shitting in my pants.

One time the bullying was especially hard, it truly hurts telling anyone about the words.

This is close to some real example of verbal abuse/bullying I often got from other teens after I had shit in my pants. It’s also very much like the abusive voice-hearing I still struggle with in my 30s. And I’m aware of the sensitive nature of the topics and it’s very childish in many ways. But I needed to express this in a way as it truly was.

‘Se! Torunn driter faktisk i buksa nå, har du med deg en ekstra jeans for sikkerhets skyld, Torunn?! Hun er seriøst en kort jævla tilbakestående nerd. Du har Asperger for faen, er du klar over det? Og du går akkurat som om du nettopp har bæsja i buksa, Torunn. Hun trenger tydeligvis å bruke bleier igjen. Hvem skal skifte på deg?! Hahahaha!’

Translated by Google translate into English:

‘Look! Torunn is actually shitting her pants now, do you have an extra pair of jeans with you just in case, Torunn?! She’s seriously a short fucking retarded nerd. You have Asperger’s for fuck’s sake, do you realize that? And you’re walking a lot like you just pooped your pants, Torunn. She clearly needs to wear diapers again. Who’s going to change you?! Hahahaha!’

Thanks for listening to my true stories ❤

Arvelig tendens/Inherited tendency

My grandmother told me of her sons bedwetting and enuresis while I was 8 years old, I got hit harder in late childhood years but already at 8 I struggled with deep issues I will not go into details about to protect my basic pride. Even writing that made me feel the old emotions I deal with remember my shame cannot tell you cannot tell anyone I really felt strong pain in different ways. This is the deeper level of my shameful feelings it’s so horrible I just suppressed my memory of it. But return to my mind at times, I remember at 14 telling my relatives not to mention this at the confirmation events. It hurt trying to speak. Unnskyld, jeg skal virkelig prøve å ta meg sammen nå. (Sorry, I’m truly trying to pull myself together now) no wonder they bullied me..

Thank you for the listen/read, I’m in deep emotional issues my schizophrenic mind against my worst flaws and humiliation at the core.

Anders hater meg (II)

he always makes sure that

his words are heard, loud and clearly

I feel like nothing worth

they made cruel fun of him, those 70s kids

so of course the offspring got the curse

only this child was a girl,

and thank god

she had it easier in many ways, exept

the real unspoken truth, living in her head

lost in imagination, being so innocent

this didn’t last long, soon she never wanted

to be in classroom, in school yard or most of all

on her way home from Hell,

then she wishes

for heavy rainfall to pour down, to hide it

very well, sorry little girl; I know it’s hard

to speak of this, the deep issues and wounds

I see through the Darkness,

bright Light within us, both

This is my story, my fathers story as well and to say it’s still painful, is the honest truth. I still move forward, no matter what

Han der er ikke sånn som deg

Hører på Raga Rockers låt; Noen å hate

https://genius.com/Raga-rockers-noen-a-hate-lyrics

Some lyrics from the track: han der er ikke sånn som deg, fort deg bort og ta han, det er bare å følge fingeren som peker, dit hvor de voksne leker

(dette er om noe annet relatert til temaet, om en nær slektnings erfaringer)

dialekten, anderledes

inne i sin egen verden

mørkt hår, samiske trekk

såkalt løsunge, en uekte sønn av en same

som ikke visste han var av samisk ætt

venstrehendt og med kreative evner

men ignorert og pint av enhver elev som tror

de er mer norsk, mer verdt

enn han

Hey there, father

We have a complex relation, I have much compassion with his struggles and his inner strenghts. But in some ways you could say we all have choices in life, and he made some unfortunate ones in his young adulthood that prevented him knowing me and being my true father image. So what I’m really relating to is only a self-created impression from my own experience and perspective, I don’t actually understand him as he really is. He has at least 4 planets in Pisces and it shows in his life experience and way of speaking. I also watched the 1975 TV series named ‘Benoni og Rosa’ recently to understand his childhood adversity and the severe bullying he experienced in 1970s and 1980s Northern Norwegian society. He is of Sámi origins significantly and the kids called him ‘Lapp’ constantly, he didn’t know of his true Sámi roots until 2008 when I research his biological father history and genealogy. He is clearly over 25% Sámi or Finnish according to DNA-testing and his overall appearance match this as well, dark and coarse hair, high/prominent cheekbones plus almond-like shape to his eyes. I look more like him than I do with my mother in many ways. I wish he didn’t have the substance use addictions and his issues with rage, he has a tendency to play with others mind and emotions I know sadly from own experience in teenage years.

And I hope his Christmas and New Years will bring him more joy than pain.

Thanks for reading this post ❤