Do you see yourself as a leader?
Tea, a smartphone and music. My day is a relief now, it’s been a lot this week in offline living. Good and I’m tired, not too sad for enjoying music. Including the sadness and pain.
Headlock
Hide and Seek
I mentioned my inner world in previous post and that’s where I live nearly all day (and night!) I remember things good and difficult both so it’s like I mention in other blog both Light and Darkness inside my world. I live in an almost underground environment, the base of our house on the ground. It’s the amazing view that anchors me in the present moment. The local natural environment is a very big part of my experience. Midnight Sun and the dark times of polar nights. It’s again the inner world related also to my astrology; a 12th house Sun and 4th house Moon/Pluto along with a lot of Leo, Virgo, mostly Scorpio and some Sagittarius influence in these water houses. And the darkness is pitch black raw and often emotionally difficult times. Voice-hearing and paranoia used to rule my days for several years, but I’m still living so I get through anything life has brought me so far. But my connections are deep as well, I relate to my close ones on profound levels and we interact with honesty and respect. And I’ve seen and experienced more than my years can show. I like writing about inner world and dreaming. I don’t have children or partner so I’m actually not like my brother and cousins that have several children each, I don’t drive and I’m Asperger syndrome person also with temporal lobe epilepsy so I’m not driving myself. I live on young disabled (ung ufør in Norwegian) and yes I’m Norwegian speaking in everyday life. I’m kind of possibly rambling but it’s real words from my core this time on my blog. I’m connected with the Arctic conditions I live in today weather was summer like sunshine and unusually warm temperatures for september month. I have support network as part of my treatments, I speak with mental health workers often and we go on everyday events like café or local stores. We have a wonderful museum here, tourists visiting year round. I love my home town. Genealogy interests me a lot also, my roots are my guidance in how to answer questions despite my mental illness and strong autistic traits pf the Asperger syndrome diagnosis. My dreams are very vivid and immersive and I value my dreams almost as much as my waking reality.
Jeg elsker å skrive om ting jeg er opptatt av på et dypere nivå. Jeg kommer til å skrive mye om min indre verden også i andre blog posts.
Thank you very deeply for reading my mind represented in words here in this corner of the world wide web ❤ ❤
answer to dailyprompt-2046
24 years ago I was 8 and with early development of (untreated) schizoaffective condition and undiagnosed moderate-severe case Asperger syndrome. This is an interview with my childhood self.
Note/warning: difficult topics/themes related to childhood adversity
how do you feel about school?
They take my things and hold it above my head, I’m so much shorter that I cannot reach. They make fun of my names. They pretend that I pee in my pants when they pour orange juice on my jeans/tights in class. They kicked my friend to the ground for several minutes. My friend is of part Asian roots and the bullies don’t like the outsiders. It doesn’t help the bullying situation that I actually lose control of myself at school some days and my blonde teacher does very wrong things to me after gym class, especially when I’m having accidents.
what do you like to do in free time?
I watch cartoon series and read books inside, I write in my journal about everything and most of all I enjoy playing with my best friend outside in forest for several hours right by our home areas. We also play computer games together. My mother lets me play outside with my friend and she comes to our apartment often, too. It makes almost all of my hard efforts that I get through the days very worth it.
what happen inside your mind?
I create those different worlds that I tell the adults about with great passion. I’m sometimes wondering if I have magical powers and I hear things often that others really don’t. I don’t know why I don’t understand what they mean with the words and expressions, I often forget going back to class after recess. I cannot listen to teacher because I have fantasies and live in my head, the much safer place inside. I make myself throw up after food, if only I was thinner they would stop. My blonde teacher says so, be a good girl and not so chubby.
what is your nationality and do they make fun of your background?
I believe they are bullying me because I’m a strange one; not like them, very much shorter, with my very long and thick dark colour hair, I have a golden-ish ivory skin tone, my eyes are the Northern type with hazel colour, I’m a Finnish/Saami girl with the more strong cheekbones, but I don’t know why it seems it matters so much to the bullies.
what would you like to be when you are grown up?
I maybe would write a book series like Harry Potter books or maybe help other girls feel better when the others are bullying them or teacher doing wrong things to them. Fairtrade tea. Save the forests. Be kind to the refugees. Best friends forever and nothing else matters. Metal, pitch black and heavy. Yeah, I said that. At eight!
Thanks for listening to my late-mid childhood self ❤
standing in the rain playing in the background. I love many Billy Talent songs from youth ❤
emo kid with the heavy eyeliner and I also love hoodies still. They bullied me and poured orange juice on my jeans, then told the teachers I had peed on myself. It was worse because I often actually had wet in my jeans in class or during recess, I also had nocturnal enuresis/chronic bedwetting even at age 16. I had other issues with the function of the body. I wore type protective underwear during my heavy womanhood curse and was prescribed this aid from pharmacy like place. The protection works well, I use it still during my womanhood curse and especially at night. I need to write about this sometimes because it does affected my mental health strong.
I was an emo kid but didn’t self-harm with sharp things. I beat myself with glass bottles of Coca-Cola along with plastic bottles, had big bruises I was try hiding from everyone. I had the emo bangs and my hair was it’s own dark brown colour. I listening to MCR and The Used as well as other type emo musicians.
I’m suffering from psychosis and voice-hearing is part of my everyday life. They say very abusive things to me, reminding me of shameful times and emotional pain. They say strange things like ‘she is going to have major accidents in public’, in local grocery store. I’m a psychiatric patient and I’m an Aspie, that is I have Asperger syndrome. I must sometimes write because it actually helps me deal with my mental illness and the vivid memories of childhood adversity and bullying.
My name, my true name from within. I chose it and I own it, letting go of my four letter name soon to be history of the past. I know I’m 31 years old and used to my offline official name, but I’m doing this life change now because it feels right.
And in addition I identify with the name Ingvild as my parents almost chose it as my birth given name, I really resonate with the strong meaning ‘foremothers struggle’ as a part of my own family research and passion for all of the Norwegian ethnic minority groups in general.
I’m a part of many ethnic groups; mostly Sámi and Kven/Finnish on maternal grandmother side and Reisende on maternal grandfather side, on fathers side with some Finnish/Kven and quite significant Sea Sámi origins. I’m also of so-called ethnic Norwegian origins, but the term is strange.
One thing about changes is that it is difficult getting used to them in the beginning so I’m going to struggle with this aspect in my everyday life. But it’s what I need now, so I’m doing it.
Været er helt crazy akkurat nå, det blåser mye ute og varmegrader nesten uten snø på bakken. Jeg har et par sko med brodder inkludert og det er veldig nyttig når forholdene tilsier det er spesielt viktig å unngå å skli og falle på isen.
Jeg er litt usikker på om legen kommer til å ringe meg i dag, trenger egentlig å ha en samtale om medisinene mine og annen behandling. Og jeg er i tillegg ganske sulten nå, vil helst ha en kebab og med en energidrikk til maten.
Håper dere har en fin dag ❤
We have a complex relation, I have much compassion with his struggles and his inner strenghts. But in some ways you could say we all have choices in life, and he made some unfortunate ones in his young adulthood that prevented him knowing me and being my true father image. So what I’m really relating to is only a self-created impression from my own experience and perspective, I don’t actually understand him as he really is. He has at least 4 planets in Pisces and it shows in his life experience and way of speaking. I also watched the 1975 TV series named ‘Benoni og Rosa’ recently to understand his childhood adversity and the severe bullying he experienced in 1970s and 1980s Northern Norwegian society. He is of Sámi origins significantly and the kids called him ‘Lapp’ constantly, he didn’t know of his true Sámi roots until 2008 when I research his biological father history and genealogy. He is clearly over 25% Sámi or Finnish according to DNA-testing and his overall appearance match this as well, dark and coarse hair, high/prominent cheekbones plus almond-like shape to his eyes. I look more like him than I do with my mother in many ways. I wish he didn’t have the substance use addictions and his issues with rage, he has a tendency to play with others mind and emotions I know sadly from own experience in teenage years.
And I hope his Christmas and New Years will bring him more joy than pain.
Thanks for reading this post ❤
What was the last thing you did for play or fun?
I always enjoy saying silly and strange things in my native Norwegian language in English sounding words and vice versa, I do this every day including offline. And please don’t fall in the trapp, it’s life-dangerous 🤔🤣 it’s not only-only and I miss Hammer party.
I’m making several cups of tea today, my favourite black tea is English tea shops Earl Grey. It’s just wonderful. And I love tea in general; herbal, iced tea, oolong etc. Snowstorms outside means the house gets colder and we need other heat sources in addition to electricity. So I drink my favourite hot tea and wear the blankets to feel blissfully warm. Norwegian culture ❤
cloudB 