Tag: abuse

Lunar Scorpio, fear no more

What’s the trait you value most about yourself?

My most valued trait in my life is the meaning in combination of being a Lunar Scorpio, with Moon-Pluto combination in Scorpio within 4th house. I’m quite intense emotionally and I don’t like surface things, I dive into the depths of my subconscious self, and of my ancestors adversity.

And with my Moon-Pluto combination in Scorpio (I’m a early 1990s type, it matters to Scorpio sign individuals in our generation) I’m basically not afraid of anything other than my mental illness and abusive type people, the worst memories.

I’m human and I’ve gone through difficult times in life, including being target of childhood abuse and significant bullying. My ancestors were of minority groups and it affects us even if it’s not conscious in the mind, but in my life it’s deeply rooted awareness. Btw, I sit in complete darkness writing this now. My dreams are very vivid and immersive, sometimes quite depraved but often insightful in theme after waking.

I don’t fear heights and I’m definitively not afraid of my body, I can watch surgery and medical procedures without being negatively affected. I see it, but I’m not fearful. It’s honestly a gift from the inner world, I was born this way and been learning through experience as well.

Arkaine – Fear No More (hardstyle genre EDM)

I seek truth in my life, even if it can hurt me I still value the real experience with all the aspects in it, darkness and Light. I’m a double Virgo, or a double Leo in some systems. But the Sun and other placements are in 12th house, so the dream world is very active as well as writing from the shadows. I need music and creative expression to function in life, in society as a whole.

So I’m thankful for my depths and intensity, even if it shock others and it’s hard to handle at times. Thank you mother Earth for this hidden blessing.

I hope your nights are good ❤

Shame, abuse, bullying, questions and voices

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.

I dislike when people are asking me if I was being bullied and if I have been shitting in my pants.

One time the bullying was especially hard, it truly hurts telling anyone about the words.

This is close to some real example of verbal abuse/bullying I often got from other teens after I had shit in my pants. It’s also very much like the abusive voice-hearing I still struggle with in my 30s. And I’m aware of the sensitive nature of the topics and it’s very childish in many ways. But I needed to express this in a way as it truly was.

‘Se! Torunn driter faktisk i buksa nå, har du med deg en ekstra jeans for sikkerhets skyld, Torunn?! Hun er seriøst en kort jævla tilbakestående nerd. Du har Asperger for faen, er du klar over det? Og du går akkurat som om du nettopp har bæsja i buksa, Torunn. Hun trenger tydeligvis å bruke bleier igjen. Hvem skal skifte på deg?! Hahahaha!’

Translated by Google translate into English:

‘Look! Torunn is actually shitting her pants now, do you have an extra pair of jeans with you just in case, Torunn?! She’s seriously a short fucking retarded nerd. You have Asperger’s for fuck’s sake, do you realize that? And you’re walking a lot like you just pooped your pants, Torunn. She clearly needs to wear diapers again. Who’s going to change you?! Hahahaha!’

Thanks for listening to my true stories ❤

Arvelig tendens/Inherited tendency

My grandmother told me of her sons bedwetting and enuresis while I was 8 years old, I got hit harder in late childhood years but already at 8 I struggled with deep issues I will not go into details about to protect my basic pride. Even writing that made me feel the old emotions I deal with remember my shame cannot tell you cannot tell anyone I really felt strong pain in different ways. This is the deeper level of my shameful feelings it’s so horrible I just suppressed my memory of it. But return to my mind at times, I remember at 14 telling my relatives not to mention this at the confirmation events. It hurt trying to speak. Unnskyld, jeg skal virkelig prøve å ta meg sammen nå. (Sorry, I’m truly trying to pull myself together now) no wonder they bullied me..

Thank you for the listen/read, I’m in deep emotional issues my schizophrenic mind against my worst flaws and humiliation at the core.

Anders hater meg (II)

he always makes sure that

his words are heard, loud and clearly

I feel like nothing worth

they made cruel fun of him, those 70s kids

so of course the offspring got the curse

only this child was a girl,

and thank god

she had it easier in many ways, exept

the real unspoken truth, living in her head

lost in imagination, being so innocent

this didn’t last long, soon she never wanted

to be in classroom, in school yard or most of all

on her way home from Hell,

then she wishes

for heavy rainfall to pour down, to hide it

very well, sorry little girl; I know it’s hard

to speak of this, the deep issues and wounds

I see through the Darkness,

bright Light within us, both

This is my story, my fathers story as well and to say it’s still painful, is the honest truth. I still move forward, no matter what

Hey there, father

We have a complex relation, I have much compassion with his struggles and his inner strenghts. But in some ways you could say we all have choices in life, and he made some unfortunate ones in his young adulthood that prevented him knowing me and being my true father image. So what I’m really relating to is only a self-created impression from my own experience and perspective, I don’t actually understand him as he really is. He has at least 4 planets in Pisces and it shows in his life experience and way of speaking. I also watched the 1975 TV series named ‘Benoni og Rosa’ recently to understand his childhood adversity and the severe bullying he experienced in 1970s and 1980s Northern Norwegian society. He is of Sámi origins significantly and the kids called him ‘Lapp’ constantly, he didn’t know of his true Sámi roots until 2008 when I research his biological father history and genealogy. He is clearly over 25% Sámi or Finnish according to DNA-testing and his overall appearance match this as well, dark and coarse hair, high/prominent cheekbones plus almond-like shape to his eyes. I look more like him than I do with my mother in many ways. I wish he didn’t have the substance use addictions and his issues with rage, he has a tendency to play with others mind and emotions I know sadly from own experience in teenage years.

And I hope his Christmas and New Years will bring him more joy than pain.

Thanks for reading this post ❤