about me – cloudB

Čakča (II)

Black Hole Sun
Iced tea, iced coffee; lactose-free
Snow falling, deep snow threading in
I do know who I really am, right? Fathers day tomorrow, not random
It made perfect sense,
Quite quiet quetiapine question
Why so sad, Ingvild?
Huh?! No idea, I’m so happy really!
Yeah, it didn’t click like that
But still I hear
Lyrics like;
‘All the things she said, running through my head’
‘Determined and strong, in it’s pride and glory’
Loved it all, and still do

Lunar Scorpio, fear no more

What’s the trait you value most about yourself?

My most valued trait in my life is the meaning in combination of being a Lunar Scorpio, with Moon-Pluto combination in Scorpio within 4th house. I’m quite intense emotionally and I don’t like surface things, I dive into the depths of my subconscious self, and of my ancestors adversity.

And with my Moon-Pluto combination in Scorpio (I’m a early 1990s type, it matters to Scorpio sign individuals in our generation) I’m basically not afraid of anything other than my mental illness and abusive type people, the worst memories.

I’m human and I’ve gone through difficult times in life, including being target of childhood abuse and significant bullying. My ancestors were of minority groups and it affects us even if it’s not conscious in the mind, but in my life it’s deeply rooted awareness. Btw, I sit in complete darkness writing this now. My dreams are very vivid and immersive, sometimes quite depraved but often insightful in theme after waking.

I don’t fear heights and I’m definitively not afraid of my body, I can watch surgery and medical procedures without being negatively affected. I see it, but I’m not fearful. It’s honestly a gift from the inner world, I was born this way and been learning through experience as well.

Arkaine – Fear No More (hardstyle genre EDM)

I seek truth in my life, even if it can hurt me I still value the real experience with all the aspects in it, darkness and Light. I’m a double Virgo, or a double Leo in some systems. But the Sun and other placements are in 12th house, so the dream world is very active as well as writing from the shadows. I need music and creative expression to function in life, in society as a whole.

So I’m thankful for my depths and intensity, even if it shock others and it’s hard to handle at times. Thank you mother Earth for this hidden blessing.

I hope your nights are good ❤

What is my inner world like?

I mentioned my inner world in previous post and that’s where I live nearly all day (and night!) I remember things good and difficult both so it’s like I mention in other blog both Light and Darkness inside my world. I live in an almost underground environment, the base of our house on the ground. It’s the amazing view that anchors me in the present moment. The local natural environment is a very big part of my experience. Midnight Sun and the dark times of polar nights. It’s again the inner world related also to my astrology; a 12th house Sun and 4th house Moon/Pluto along with a lot of Leo, Virgo, mostly Scorpio and some Sagittarius influence in these water houses. And the darkness is pitch black raw and often emotionally difficult times. Voice-hearing and paranoia used to rule my days for several years, but I’m still living so I get through anything life has brought me so far. But my connections are deep as well, I relate to my close ones on profound levels and we interact with honesty and respect. And I’ve seen and experienced more than my years can show. I like writing about inner world and dreaming. I don’t have children or partner so I’m actually not like my brother and cousins that have several children each, I don’t drive and I’m Asperger syndrome person also with temporal lobe epilepsy so I’m not driving myself. I live on young disabled (ung ufør in Norwegian) and yes I’m Norwegian speaking in everyday life. I’m kind of possibly rambling but it’s real words from my core this time on my blog. I’m connected with the Arctic conditions I live in today weather was summer like sunshine and unusually warm temperatures for september month. I have support network as part of my treatments, I speak with mental health workers often and we go on everyday events like café or local stores. We have a wonderful museum here, tourists visiting year round. I love my home town. Genealogy interests me a lot also, my roots are my guidance in how to answer questions despite my mental illness and strong autistic traits pf the Asperger syndrome diagnosis. My dreams are very vivid and immersive and I value my dreams almost as much as my waking reality.

Jeg elsker å skrive om ting jeg er opptatt av på et dypere nivå. Jeg kommer til å skrive mye om min indre verden også i andre blog posts.

Thank you very deeply for reading my mind represented in words here in this corner of the world wide web ❤ ❤

I always keep a bottle near (part II)

How do you plan your goals?

Note: I go into details about different topics. And I have chosen the pictures with deliberate action.

Yeah, I’m a summer season alcoholic since around year 2019. I’m binge-drinking alone listening to my favourite music on my good quality sound system or just with earphones on my old iPod touch, I like cider and alcopop (rusbrus) plus raspberry flavour rum and mild taste blueberry vodka. I call myself a ‘Razzpergian’ because I love Bacardi Razz and I have Asperger syndrome.

I plan my goals in management ways, I break down what I do in several pieces. I get these plans working together with family and mental health support network including psychiatric doctor and specialised nurse. I have written down plan with what actions to take in mental illness worsening.

So these are a few ways how I get things done and plan for future, coping with my mental illness. And my alcohol use.. could be less, and will be less!

Thank you for listening ❤

Dette er meg (med modifikasjoner)

Norwegian language text about me and some AI avatars based on myself:

Her er noen AI avatarer basert på meg. Jeg heter Torunn. Jeg er samisk, kvensk, finsk, svensk og norsk med noe sannsynlig innfødt arktiske aner/inuitt og i tillegg endel nordafrikansk (kanskje fra Tunisia) noe lengre tilbake i fortiden. Jeg er både nordlending og finnmarking. Jeg har mye aner i Troms fylke og vi bodde i Tromsø og på Senja tidligere. I tillegg fra Agder og Rogaland i nær familie. Jeg har tatt DNA-tester fra MyHeritage og 23andMe, jeg har forsket på slekt siden 2007. Jeg er fylt 32 år snart. Jeg har aner av de Reisende på sørlandet og av Romanifolket i Norge og Sverige.

Jeg har moderat-alvorlig grad av Asperger syndrom og liker å skrive 😂❤️

emotional experience

standing in the rain playing in the background. I love many Billy Talent songs from youth ❤

emo kid with the heavy eyeliner and I also love hoodies still. They bullied me and poured orange juice on my jeans, then told the teachers I had peed on myself. It was worse because I often actually had wet in my jeans in class or during recess, I also had nocturnal enuresis/chronic bedwetting even at age 16. I had other issues with the function of the body. I wore type protective underwear during my heavy womanhood curse and was prescribed this aid from pharmacy like place. The protection works well, I use it still during my womanhood curse and especially at night. I need to write about this sometimes because it does affected my mental health strong.

I was an emo kid but didn’t self-harm with sharp things. I beat myself with glass bottles of Coca-Cola along with plastic bottles, had big bruises I was try hiding from everyone. I had the emo bangs and my hair was it’s own dark brown colour. I listening to MCR and The Used as well as other type emo musicians.

I’m suffering from psychosis and voice-hearing is part of my everyday life. They say very abusive things to me, reminding me of shameful times and emotional pain. They say strange things like ‘she is going to have major accidents in public’, in local grocery store. I’m a psychiatric patient and I’m an Aspie, that is I have Asperger syndrome. I must sometimes write because it actually helps me deal with my mental illness and the vivid memories of childhood adversity and bullying.

I need the medicine

yes, this is kind of random and I’m taking my medications of course. Just not really on time which gives me symptoms of pain.

I’m so sick by Flyleaf

Pain by Jimmy Eat World

billy talent – Nothing to lose

a bootleg version of Borgeous – Invincible

billy talent- Standing in the rain

other bootleg of Borgeous – Invincible

billy talent- River Below

Three Days Grace – Animal

Three Days Grace – I hate everything about you

Bullet for my Valentine – All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me)

Dubstep, indeed

What is your favorite genre of music?

People are sometimes surprised by my favourite music genres because I’m different from the expected type of person listening and enjoying this music. I really like dubstep and I have since my late teenage years been listening to the bassline and drops, the hybrid genres also.

‘Fall Silently’ by Ephixa is one of my favourite tracks in hybrid of hardstyle and dubstep.

‘Blossom’ by Au5

‘Blue’ by Au5 & Fractal

Thanks for listening and enjoy life ❤

Synnøve likes her metal pitch black (and heavy)

note: I’m not certain of copyright or similar regulations. I want to follow the rules for music and I found on YouTube.

here are example of black metal from 2024

and black metal from 2023

I don’t feel like talking about it

I don’t feel like talking about my enuresis and the bullying right this moment. So I’m writing about gákti and Saami culture now. Plus DNA-tests and ancestry, family research/genealogy.

I have ancestry from Kautokeino region from 1850s and going back several centuries before this time. But Kautokeino natives quite often are very passionate about people having recent roots from their town, they really don’t like people who are more outsiders wearing the local Kautokeino gákti.

The gákti is special from place to place, and it’s traditional clothing for the Saami people. It’s called samekofte (or just kofte) in Norwegian language. I currently don’t have one, and they are really expensive for very good reasons. They are made with high quality fabric and other items included traditional silver accessoirer and kommager, a special type of shoes.

I also have significant Sea Saami origins from places like Måsøy and Kvalsund so I’m likely choose one of them as the Saami culture in coastal region are often of ancestors who were much more affected by Norwegianization and found their roots by family research and recently the role of DNA-tests in Norway.

I have done two DNA-tests about my ethnicity estimates and DNA-matches, and it has been useful in several different ways. Btw I’m mostly of Norwegian ancestry, mainly in Northern regions and also Agder county plus Rogaland county regions in the far-Southern parts of Norway. I have around 17% Finnish ethnicity estimate results from these tests and some of it is Finnish/Kven and others of Saami origins. I have a page to the right about my ethnicity and DNA-test results.

Thanks for reading my blog ❤

My friend the bully

WARNING; EMBARRASSING AND PAINFUL TOPICS

I need to talk about this now, it’s building up within me and I hope this will work somewhat

My friend was a girl bully and had extreme ADHD, of African ancestry and an Aries by sun. Some of the worst things I’ve heard came from her words. I got the impression we were friends mostly so she could have a friend (me) who needed her a lot and was loyal to her because the others were bullying me. I also had accidents often. She told her friends I was retarded and wore diapers that she changed and put on me. This thing really hurts to write 😭😣💔 but it was all lies, she didn’t do these job of course

So I had a bully friend in 8th to 10th grade

Torunn

My name, my true name from within. I chose it and I own it, letting go of my four letter name soon to be history of the past. I know I’m 31 years old and used to my offline official name, but I’m doing this life change now because it feels right.

And in addition I identify with the name Ingvild as my parents almost chose it as my birth given name, I really resonate with the strong meaning ‘foremothers struggle’ as a part of my own family research and passion for all of the Norwegian ethnic minority groups in general.

I’m a part of many ethnic groups; mostly Sámi and Kven/Finnish on maternal grandmother side and Reisende on maternal grandfather side, on fathers side with some Finnish/Kven and quite significant Sea Sámi origins. I’m also of so-called ethnic Norwegian origins, but the term is strange.

One thing about changes is that it is difficult getting used to them in the beginning so I’m going to struggle with this aspect in my everyday life. But it’s what I need now, so I’m doing it.

Shame, abuse, bullying, questions and voices

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.

I dislike when people are asking me if I was being bullied and if I have been shitting in my pants.

One time the bullying was especially hard, it truly hurts telling anyone about the words.

This is close to some real example of verbal abuse/bullying I often got from other teens after I had shit in my pants. It’s also very much like the abusive voice-hearing I still struggle with in my 30s. And I’m aware of the sensitive nature of the topics and it’s very childish in many ways. But I needed to express this in a way as it truly was.

‘Se! Torunn driter faktisk i buksa nå, har du med deg en ekstra jeans for sikkerhets skyld, Torunn?! Hun er seriøst en kort jævla tilbakestående nerd. Du har Asperger for faen, er du klar over det? Og du går akkurat som om du nettopp har bæsja i buksa, Torunn. Hun trenger tydeligvis å bruke bleier igjen. Hvem skal skifte på deg?! Hahahaha!’

Translated by Google translate into English:

‘Look! Torunn is actually shitting her pants now, do you have an extra pair of jeans with you just in case, Torunn?! She’s seriously a short fucking retarded nerd. You have Asperger’s for fuck’s sake, do you realize that? And you’re walking a lot like you just pooped your pants, Torunn. She clearly needs to wear diapers again. Who’s going to change you?! Hahahaha!’

Thanks for listening to my true stories ❤

Arvelig tendens/Inherited tendency

My grandmother told me of her sons bedwetting and enuresis while I was 8 years old, I got hit harder in late childhood years but already at 8 I struggled with deep issues I will not go into details about to protect my basic pride. Even writing that made me feel the old emotions I deal with remember my shame cannot tell you cannot tell anyone I really felt strong pain in different ways. This is the deeper level of my shameful feelings it’s so horrible I just suppressed my memory of it. But return to my mind at times, I remember at 14 telling my relatives not to mention this at the confirmation events. It hurt trying to speak. Unnskyld, jeg skal virkelig prøve å ta meg sammen nå. (Sorry, I’m truly trying to pull myself together now) no wonder they bullied me..

Thank you for the listen/read, I’m in deep emotional issues my schizophrenic mind against my worst flaws and humiliation at the core.

Anders hater meg (II)

he always makes sure that

his words are heard, loud and clearly

I feel like nothing worth

they made cruel fun of him, those 70s kids

so of course the offspring got the curse

only this child was a girl,

and thank god

she had it easier in many ways, exept

the real unspoken truth, living in her head

lost in imagination, being so innocent

this didn’t last long, soon she never wanted

to be in classroom, in school yard or most of all

on her way home from Hell,

then she wishes

for heavy rainfall to pour down, to hide it

very well, sorry little girl; I know it’s hard

to speak of this, the deep issues and wounds

I see through the Darkness,

bright Light within us, both

This is my story, my fathers story as well and to say it’s still painful, is the honest truth. I still move forward, no matter what

I’m getting the Sami boots tomorrow 💗💕

I decided to buy the Topaz Sami boots in addition to my Amundsen high boots also from Topaz brand. Considering our lovely celebration of Samefolkets dag on 6th of February it’s very suitable for the symbolic expression of Sámi culture pride and they look really awesome wearing as well ❤

I hope your days are good everyone ❤

Temporal lobe epilepsy and schizoaffective

TLE: Confusion on waking up at 4 am shaking like a leaf, nonsense voices and visual hallucinations of neurological origins. Feeling VERY out of it, distant and strange feeling in head. And of course my first documented tonic seizure where I lost consciousness I had in public space, btw my eyes were open and it lasted 5 minutes I don’t remember anything and was so confused by normal questions.

SZA: voice-hearing with words making sense negative critical voices with personality and my severe paranoid delusions, manic depressive and seeing connection between things other people do not. I cannot describe anymore now, might update soon.

Thank you for reading ❤

thoughts and thinspiration

Daily writing prompt

How are you creative?

View all responses

I used to search for thinspiration online when I had relapse of my restrictive eating disorder, but once my treatments began working on my obsessive part of the conditions I didn’t care much about it. I actually think it reveals interesting parts of our society and to learn from this should not be forgotten or ignored.

And I have enjoyed writing my whole life, it’s part of my everyday life and a major reason I blog. I like posting music videos as well, I have plenty on my other blog and I may post something here soon. Storytelling is interesting also, the visual arts and outside the box way of thought. I’m schizoaffective and I believe this can be a part of my creative strenghts.

Meeting him again

Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.

I met my father in Autumn 2007 after 12 years not knowing him. It was him who contacted us, we actually met three times at a spescific location with someone else present. I’m not going into details about why he didn’t visit our home.

I remember being very nervous and excited about meeting him, btw I was an emo kid so I wore heavy black eyeliner on that faithful day.

When I saw him walking past the room I was like ‘omg, he really is just like me!’ and that was true every time we met, I was used to see how I was similar to my mother in political views and philosophy etc but my appearance is more like his and the way we think and respond to others.

This was profound in every way, and I am grateful for those moments and when the conversations were friendly (they were not always, I mention again he wasn’t in our home), and I learned a lot about him and myself in these experiences. I hope this was interesting to others, and true Sámi passion forever ❤

Hey there, father

We have a complex relation, I have much compassion with his struggles and his inner strenghts. But in some ways you could say we all have choices in life, and he made some unfortunate ones in his young adulthood that prevented him knowing me and being my true father image. So what I’m really relating to is only a self-created impression from my own experience and perspective, I don’t actually understand him as he really is. He has at least 4 planets in Pisces and it shows in his life experience and way of speaking. I also watched the 1975 TV series named ‘Benoni og Rosa’ recently to understand his childhood adversity and the severe bullying he experienced in 1970s and 1980s Northern Norwegian society. He is of Sámi origins significantly and the kids called him ‘Lapp’ constantly, he didn’t know of his true Sámi roots until 2008 when I research his biological father history and genealogy. He is clearly over 25% Sámi or Finnish according to DNA-testing and his overall appearance match this as well, dark and coarse hair, high/prominent cheekbones plus almond-like shape to his eyes. I look more like him than I do with my mother in many ways. I wish he didn’t have the substance use addictions and his issues with rage, he has a tendency to play with others mind and emotions I know sadly from own experience in teenage years.

And I hope his Christmas and New Years will bring him more joy than pain.

Thanks for reading this post ❤

they ask me for ID

yesterday when I was shopping cider at the local store they asked me for identification to confirm my age. I’m kind of used to it but this is funny because I’m really 31 years old and I think it’s because the way I dress like a teenager, I nearly always wear a hoodie and my AS likely make me seem younger maybe?

Thank you for asking, I think it can be a type of compliment really 😀 ❤