Ingvild, Johanne and my roots

Daily writing prompt
Write about your first name: its meaning, significance, etymology, etc.
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as I have written about on my other blog one of my first names is Ingvild. It’s of Norse origin and it comes from ‘Ing/Yngvi’ (a Norse mythology god) and ‘hildr’ (meaning battle/struggle) and it can be translated as ‘foremothers struggle’ which resonates with me deeply not only because it’s the meaning of my name but also our family history and my passion for genealogy research, ethnicity and culture.

My other name is Johanne from Hebrew and it means ‘God’s mercy/mercy of God’ or ‘God is gracious’ and I also have another Norse origin name I will not mention here due to privacy reasons.

Lactose-free Oreo shake

What snack would you eat right now?

As I am lactose sensitive partly due to my ethnicity (Sámi/Kven people; indigenous to Northern regions of Scandinavia, Finland and Northwestern Russia) I very much appreciate lactose free alternatives to milkshake, and our little town has a great oreo shake at one of the fancy fast food places at the local shopping mall. It tastes very good and best of all no trouble drinking! 🤩👌

Btw I’m having a cold can of perry/pear cider atm, Northern Norwegian brand ❤

Thank you for the visit and attention ❤

deadly weapons and cigarettes

Daily writing prompt
If you could un-invent something, what would it be?
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they both kill, and I’m lucky I don’t use any of them. I don’t like anything with nicotine in it, both Swedish snus or smoke. I really want to un-invent cigarettes in particular, and please do not use combined with other substances. I’ve seen too many people I know suffer from combined smoking and drinking.

and regarding the weapons there too much horrors from their use against innocent children and other people doing no wrong. Really imagine how painful the injuries are and think (at the very least) twice before doing harm. I hate weapons for a reason, including metal chains used in hate crime.

My youth emo subcultural identity of mid-late 2000s

Jeg var en stund en ihuga emo kid, svart eyeliner og håret var stort med emo pannelugg, hørte mye på MCR og The Used med mange flere band, og kombinert med de psykiatriske lidelsene jeg hadde (og fortsatt har) passet det perfekt for en tretten/fjorten år gammel outsider.

I’m still kind of emo really, just now I’m 31 and on medication etc. Thank you for reading, I feel the need to share my story and thoughts ❤

French fries/pommes frites

Daily writing prompt
What snack would you eat right now?
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I really like pommes frites/French fries and I indulge on them occationally when we order takeout or I go to a fast food place. And the food varies significantly from every place and I enjoy when they are just right and with the optimal amount of salt and spices.

I love snacks of many kinds, btw. I try to keep them special, not having every day ❤

Crazy, not autism

åpenbart helt gal, sprø, sinnsykt schizofren, vanvittig bipolar

I’m so not really actually interested to identify with my autistic side much, I think the schizoaffective condition is truly very much more interesting both for me and to other people. I don’t understand why I don’t care about autism spectrum condition, maybe it really is boring, or I just don’t like the name and mental connection people make in their heads.

It isn’t important, or maybe that’s delusional thinking to avoid seeing the facts of my disability coming to the surface. It’s also like not wanting to admit having relatives from rival towns.

I wish I didn’t reject my label just because I feel uncomfortable discussing it. It’s strange how I’m so pro neurodiversity with others and yet I hate my own Nature deep within with a passion. And I don’t hate being schizophrenic or bipolar, I only hate the autism/Asperger dx.

I’m a really strange Aspie, I want to deny being one in non-medical settings. Even in psychiatry it’s mostly a useless label. Maybe I can blame Elon Musk for it? Or the mainstream media? But mostly it’s my own thoughts and beliefs, I know it inside.

Máze pride

Daily writing prompt
If you had a freeway billboard, what would it say?
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I’m not certain that this is relevant to the question because we don’t have many billboards in my region, however we have plenty of traffic signs and symbols. And I really believe Máze Pride could be interesting to contemplate around the true meaning. And please don’t shoot at the Sámi language road signs (in a song from 2000s about people doing exactly this), because we are all in the same boat here in the North. There is no need to hate the native/indigenous language so strongly.

Nordland county memories

What makes you feel nostalgic?

I used to live in Northern parts of Nordland fylke/county and I remember feeling like a foreign influence in terms of my appearance, ethnicity and culture. When I moved back to Finnmark fylke/county in 2009 I believed my life would get much better, but it turns out being different is universal no matter your location; my undiagnosed autism was large part of the experience and my untreated severe schizoaffective condition as well.

What I really love about Nordland is the Nature and outdoors activities, our dialects and the memories of youth that were very happy ones. No matter how difficult life was it never broke my fighter spirits and passion for life, I had wonderful times there. Thank God for this life ❤

be more mindful

Daily writing prompt
What could you do differently?
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in addition to the aspects I mention on my other blog, I could really be more mindful in everyday life. Notice the wonderful beauty we have around us, like the view from our home and the stars in the sky. And watching my thoughts without judgement like I’ve been reading about online, it could possibly be useful even to people like me with the severe mental-health conditions like schizoaffective, OCD or psychotic bipolarity.

drinking

Gimme that nice feeling;

sometimes I have a couple of cans

even mid-week at dawn

the slightly fire-like sensation

like nothing else, fun times

Battery Blue, I love you

Fun times;

summer is the season of ease, no snow

but too much time alone on a private rave

can be more trouble than it’s fair play

dubstep drops, hardstyle kicks, psy rhythms

Torne River Valley trip

Daily writing prompt
Think back on your most memorable road trip.
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I’m going to write about this trip again, mentioned this wonderful holiday on my other blog last year.

Some background: Me and my grandmother are members of a local Kven group and through this group also members of one of the larger organisations for Kven people in Norway. Kven people have deep origins in Finnish speaking regions of Northern Sweden and Northern Finland (mostly Lapland), some (like our family) have other Finnish roots as well, for instance we are also distantly Karelian and Savonian of origins.

okay, back to the trip: we started in Norway and travel down along the Torne River Valley regions, crossing along the border every day with our tourist bus. The Finnish forests are a major part of the trip, and we spent time walking outside and enjoy the Finnish summer. We stayed at several hotels on our travels and I really liked the different activities we had with the group, genealogy related, history and culture. The weather was mostly wonderful and fun times every day.

I love being of Finnish roots ❤

my old iPod 💗💕

Daily writing prompt
Describe an item you were incredibly attached to as a youth. What became of it?
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my favourite electronic device is my iPod. I’ve had several, first I believe was in 2009 when I was 16 years old. My latest is from 2012 and I love using it in everyday life. What my iPod does for me is quite profound; it helps me cope with psychosis, depression and voice-hearing and really it makes my medications more useful and life more deep and interesting. I still have an iPod and I hope it keeps working for many more years ❤

Time and attention, family

What is the greatest gift someone could give you?

I really want to mention that I appreciate my family members especially, I have no partner or children and I mostly interact with them (mother, grandmother, cousins, aunt, half-brother, nieces) in everyday life. And the bond is prescious so I do what I can to maintain connection with our roots and culture. The time is a great gift to both give and to recieve, and attention is important to connections with others.

astrology intended especially for lesbian/bisexual women

Daily writing prompt
Come up with a crazy business idea.
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I believe this idea would make a difference to most cultures in our world; including the USA, Norway and so many other countries. Astrology is part of something we need to explore in great depth and passion to significantly evolve our general society. All love that is genuine should never be punished.

i have a passion for astrology and I want lesbian/bisexual women to really relate to it with pride and genuine curiousity.

Honestly I would love this business/activities in my own case because I enjoy learning and to explore different cultures. Kind of social skill groups included in the activities as well, getting to know deep connection with other people in similar situation.

Life is good at the deep layers of our lives, and to see Light in dark places really matters to my own well-being and health. Thank you all ❤

Don’t jump

Daily writing prompt
If you had a freeway billboard, what would it say?
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iI’m not certain that this is relevant to the question, but I’ll try to answer it. It would be close to a bridge and it’s about preventing suicide and maintain hope in daily life. The band Tokio Hotel has a song called ‘Spring nicht/Don’t jump’ about this topic.

I wish

What relationships have a positive impact on you?

Honestly this is kind of not the answer to this question, but I just write this to help me find out my true relationships. I don’t know my father at all really, and it’s a complicated issue because he has a strong resentment toward my mother for leaving the relationship. I actually know him better than I thought, we spoke several times in 2023 on the phone.

He always wants to buy me things or clothing, but what I need is someone who listen and answer questions I have that only he can know how to explain/express. Btw he obviously has a positive impact on me; I share 50% of his genetics and he is my father! 😂💗

I guess this is it

Daily writing prompt
What is your mission?
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right now it feels like this blogging is my mission in several ways, this is where I meet the most diverse people with very interesting perspectives and expressions. Other parts of my current life are honestly often both very boring and too difficult and I don’t care about this right now.

but I know deep within that my offline life is more important no matter how it feels inside from my perspective.

another part of my possible mission is being politically aware and passionate about this, in addition to passion for life itself.

I hope you enjoy some aspects of your days.

My conditions

What are your biggest challenges?

Even with treatments my psychotic/mood disorder affects my daily life significantly. If I don’t sleep for a couple of days I get really psychotic quite fast and to stop it in the beginning phase is very important, because the longer it lasts, the harder it is to get back to baseline. The schizo-deficit symptoms are maybe not as strong in my case but still there, I often cannot get going with my activities. I also have an autistic spectrum condition/Asperger syndrome that influences my whole life in many ways.

Other medical conditions that really affect my daily life are pain and epilepsy. The pain is severe in degree, often due to the conditions of paroxysmal hemicrania and Chiari malformation. I take opioid painkillers when I cannot function due to pain level and the emotional part of physical agony. The epilepsy is kind of in control by my anticonvulsants but I still have some difficult symptoms and there are limits I cannot break due to this disease.

But no matter how many challenges I face, I’m still here and I’m never giving up the fight. Thanks for reading ❤

School

What makes you feel nostalgic?

Every time I see a school, I’m strongly reminded of what happen to me and my father. The xenophobia and my best friends who saved my life through this hell, the teacher who hated anyone not ideal to their Norwegian supremacist point of view. It contributed strongly to my mental-health conditions and I still struggle.

But I’m so grateful to youth psychiatry for finally diagnosing my autism spectrum condition in 2010/2011 and we knew what it was. I’m currently in a somewhat dark mood, and I understand this can be misunderstod by people.

I’m okay now, nothing can ever kill my inner strenght gained from these experiences or my basic passion for this life. I hope you find true peace and someone who sees your Light.

8, 12, 16

(WARNING; THIS IS VERY DARK)

I lost it again

wet jeans

at school

coming home

pretend they didn’t make me run

and then they got me

again

the bullies chase us

my father was in 1978

it was 2006, 12 years of age

psychosis

then 2009, even more insane at 16

shameful times, big girl

thank God I got through this

I’m not six feet under

I didn’t die from it, the overdose

of lamotrigine

Sometimes I write things

How are you creative?

I like stories and acting/roleplay, writing about my thoughts and quasi poetry and I absolutely love music; the visual part almost like a kind of synesthesia. I like interpretation of lyrics and to the overall feeling I get from a track/song.

Another thing I like doing that’s kind of creative is dream interpretation and astrology, I also enjoy visual arts of many types. But I mostly write from the inner core being and I hope you may find it interesting in a way unique to you ❤

Immortal

Daily writing prompt
What are your thoughts on the concept of living a very long life?
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I just think of the series ‘True Blood’ when I read this question. How the vampires could get stronger and more powerful with time, but the most interesting part is their perspective on time and death. Living for a over a millenia but being not human, being the undead. I personally would prefer living long enough to almost get tired of living but not wishing death to arrive before timing is right. Sorry I’m so almost morbid in my writing, these are my thoughts today. I hope you will have a wonderful life ❤

Kvensk temperament, samisk språk og Sørlandet

I heard from a fellow Kven woman that she had a Kven temperament; passionate and fighter spirit.

Norwegian language: jeg er en (veldig) stolt kven og jeg er med i den lokale og en av de nasjonale kvenforeningene. Og jeg vil lære kvensk språk så grundig at jeg kan føre ordentlige samtaler med kvener og finsktalende. Jeg kan litt nordsamisk fra ungdommen og ønsker å bli bedre vant med samisk språk og kultur.

Av og til møter jeg folk fra kjernen av Finnmark (Kautokeino, Karasjok, Tana osv/etc) og jeg er takknemlig for å bo i et nordnorsk miljø selv om familien på morssiden er delvis oppvokst og av opphav fra Sørlandet og Rogaland.

Forresten anbefaler jeg å undersøke Reisende kulturer; både Romani og båtreisende, det er en dokumentar om historien til skøyere på NRK nett-tv ‘Folket som forsvant’ og jeg ser frem til å se den ferdig snart sammen med min mor.

Thank you for reading/takk for at dere leser ❤

drum&bass partay 💗💕

What was the last thing you did for play or fun?

I played the mix I downloaded from YouTube on my old iPod with some good ear buds for music. And I actually love drum&bass; as it says below on the text I enjoy electronic dance music ❤

And I often create music in my dreams, maybe I should be a (female) DJ or something. Have a great time everyone ❤

Folket som forsvant

I’m going to watch this very soon along with my mother who has roots in Agder and Rogaland, of (very likely) part Reisende/skøyer ancestry as well as ethnic Norwegian origins. It’s on NRK’s online television (nett-TV) and it’s a documentary about this ethnicity and culture, how the State and ordinary people discriminated against them (or much better said; us), the languages and roots of this coastal region Traveller peoples.

every elation in relation

Daily writing prompt
What relationships have a positive impact on you?
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My family is truly great, my best friends saved my life in childhood/youth and even society as a whole can affect how I relate to others joy and suffering and my self-worth. My enemies actually remind me of being the better person and this possibly sometimes helps their own issues as well, nothing is completely random in relationships including the difficult aspects/people we face.

Everyone matters to the Spirit in the Sky.

closest thing

Daily writing prompt
What colleges have you attended?
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I have finished one class/topic in 1st year of videregående skole (I believe this corresponds to late high-school years in the USA?) and no more education after this, I was too sick to even get home-based school or special adjustment. But I did what I could to make it through the day, minute by minute. So I have not attended college or university, unfortunately.

thanks for the visit/reading ❤

Me and the Travellers

I’m almost certainly of several Traveller peoples origins, including Scandinavian Romani/Tatere/Yenish/skøyer ethnicity and possibly of Finnish Kale Romani ancestry. This is supported by family research, family stories and DNA-testing/genetic relatives/interpretation. I really like the different Traveller peoples languages and cultural background, including the Rom people. The traditional music is so emotional, and I am proud of my ancestors no matter their ethnicity or language.

Remember it

Daily writing prompt
Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?
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it’s probably clear from my writing where my thinking is most often directed, the past is where I write from frequently. A part of it is the feeling that the future doesn’t exist yet and I cannot remember it.

Another aspect are my passions for astrology and genealogy, I know astrology is related to our future as well but I’m often using it to understand past thoughts and behaviour. So it’s clear I’m into history in general, including DNA-testing.

And I do try and be here in the now as much as possible, but things don’t make sense to me without knowing the past. Thanks for reading ❤

Aspergian strangeness

How are you creative?

In addition to my schizoaffective condition I am an Aspergian/Aspie/autistic woman and I feel like I have a creative side influenced by these states of being different from the norm. I think outside the box and colour outside the lines on paper in several ways, especially when it comes to social interaction and writing from my core being. It’s not easy being different but it’s my true life and part of my mission in human nature, we make life interesting in ways the NT’s cannot explain from their perspective. Btw I believe we are one in our humanity despite our differences, and I love my mostly neurotypical relatives with every nerve in my inner fire/soul. And we absolutely do have souls like every other living human or animal, never ever forget it 💔🤔

Right now

When are you most happy?

I’m kind of exhausted from this Christmas time celebrations with our large family events, and I’m now going to relax completely the entire evening. I love tea and I really enjoy being comfortable and spend time by myself when I need it. I’m looking forward to the new year.

It’s the most social I’ve been this year, and it’s mostly a good thing. I hope your days are good and have a great holiday ❤

snowmobile?

Daily writing prompt
What is your all time favorite automobile?
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I don’t know how to drive a car, but I have tried successfully driving a snowmobile though it wasn’t strictly legal. Btw I had a lot of fun in the Easter sun spending time there in the Mountains, our family has a cabin/cottage very close to a frozen lake which was where I was driving the snowmobile on. I have temporal lobe epilepsy and I don’t need to know how to drive anyway due to our location and our household is quite environmental minded.

Back to the topic of cars; I like special cars in different kinds, from the very fastest ones to the most iconic looking. Like a Ferrari or similar type of sports car.

Influenced by Leo

In my astrology I’m strongly influenced by Leo and Virgo, my Sun is in 12th house along with Mercury, Chiron and several other planets. My Moon sign is Sagittarius in 4th house, so I’m clearly influenced by fire element in water-themed astrological houses.

there are interesting ways this influence manifests in my everyday life and online, I’m not at all afraid of heights or surgery and several other fearsome topics. But what scares me is my own mind and other people; I have severe psychotic symptoms that affect how I see reality, my inner world and my own life experiences.

Slektsforskning har hjulpet meg å se hvor jeg kommer fra, hvor røttene mine går og hva det betyr i min hverdag. Også DNA-testene jeg og familien har tatt er viktige for oss, hvordan vi er en del av et mye større samfunn enn det vi ofte tror.

about the bullying

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here, but I was bullied throughout my childhood and youth years. My father was as well, yet quite more severe than in my case. I was very short and of different ethnic background from the Nordic kids in general so they made cruel fun of this constantly. My given name was a source of humiliation by them as well, I have a so-called ‘old aunts name’ for people in my generation. I think it was often motivated more by my undiagnosed Asperger syndrome and psychosis than my ethnicity/origins, autistics often stand out in our way of being and behaviour.

I also had a younger female friend with a significant case of AS/Asperger syndrome and I really wish I had been much more understanding and kinder to her, she deserved better than how we (me and her neurotypical same-aged friend) treated her. She was a true friend and I hope she is doing very well in adult years, it’s quite difficult being different often. Anyway I had best friends my own age and they helped me a lot in hard times.

I was often sick and had struggles with different conditions both in mental health/emotional reactions and physical health/well-being. I escaped my hard life in several ways, including listening to music and to skip school and stay outside; often being near a big rock by the main road and with feelings of freedom from my tormentors strong grip on my fragile self-worth.

I’m lucky to still be living, I had deep shame and my mental health was affected a lot. Thank you for reading and also for your time ❤

thoughts and thinspiration

Daily writing prompt
How are you creative?
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I used to search for thinspiration online when I had relapse of my restrictive eating disorder, but once my treatments began working on my obsessive part of the conditions I didn’t care much about it. I actually think it reveals interesting parts of our society and to learn from this should not be forgotten or ignored.

And I have enjoyed writing my whole life, it’s part of my everyday life and a major reason I blog. I like posting music videos as well, I have plenty on my other blog and I may post something here soon. Storytelling is interesting also, the visual arts and outside the box way of thought. I’m schizoaffective and I believe this can be a part of my creative strenghts.

julaften i morgen

vi skal feire jul i morgen hos familien, ribbe og annen julemat pluss alt det andre vi gjør hver jul sammen. Jeg var syk på julaften for 2 år siden og var hjemme den gangen, det var ikke spesielt gøy for å si det på den måten. Men det ser ut til å bli feiring i år, spennende å se hvilke gaver vi gir hverandre denne gangen. God jul alle sammen ❤

some English summary: this is about our Christmas Eve celebration with the family, our meal at the table and gifts to each other. I was sick on Christmas Eve a couple of years ago and had to stay home trying to sleep, it was no fun but I had no other choices. Merry Christmas everyone ❤

Recently I’ve learned

What skills or lessons have you learned recently?

I have looked into spirituality and my experiences with adversity and mental illness, and seen many aspects I’ve never thought about deeply enough. How I affect others with what I share, how my words reveal my mind to the outside world. A lot of what I’ve learned I actually already knew deep within myself, but didn’t think about in the Light of awareness.

Nitten-nitti-tre (1993)

Daily writing prompt
Share what you know about the year you were born.
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I’m currently 31 years old and was born in late summer in Arctic region Scandinavia. Varg Vikernes killed Euronymous in August that year, very close to my birthday. Black metal. Also Nirvana released their album In Utero in 1993. Bill Clinton in the USA and Gro Harlem Brundtland in Norway. Yugoslav Wars and the Gulf War. I’m sorry this is not very in-depth but I’m quite manic and I hear voices so loud I cannot think almost.

Thank you for reading this ❤

Meeting him again

Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.

I met my father in Autumn 2007 after 12 years not knowing him. It was him who contacted us, we actually met three times at a spescific location with someone else present. I’m not going into details about why he didn’t visit our home.

I remember being very nervous and excited about meeting him, btw I was an emo kid so I wore heavy black eyeliner on that faithful day.

When I saw him walking past the room I was like ‘omg, he really is just like me!’ and that was true every time we met, I was used to see how I was similar to my mother in political views and philosophy etc but my appearance is more like his and the way we think and respond to others.

This was profound in every way, and I am grateful for those moments and when the conversations were friendly (they were not always, I mention again he wasn’t in our home), and I learned a lot about him and myself in these experiences. I hope this was interesting to others, and true Sámi passion forever ❤

the important thing

Daily writing prompt
If you started a sports team, what would the colors and mascot be?
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We don’t have mascots in sports in Norway? I might be wrong, but I don’t really think we do. And it matters the particular sport they play, I like volleyball. If I would choose colour and mascots it would be black and red, and the mascot would be a raven. Maybe I should mention I’m an anarchist so black + red is very symbolic of my ideology. Yes, anarchist volleyball with a raven. ❤ ❤ ❤

music and old writing

Daily writing prompt
What makes you feel nostalgic?
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the biggest one for me is the music I was listening to in my late childhood and youth, it really is special to me. Another thing that makes me nostalgic is looking at old journals and notebooks, especially when my best friends wrote a message to me in them. I miss my youth a lot even though I was psychotic and depressive most of that time, I’m now 31 and quite lonely. And seeing my old toys is especially emotional, the mean kids tried to destroy them when I was “stupid” enough to bring them to school with me. I’m really feeling it now, but maybe that’s a good thing sometimes. Thank you for reading ❤

Hey there, father

We have a complex relation, I have much compassion with his struggles and his inner strenghts. But in some ways you could say we all have choices in life, and he made some unfortunate ones in his young adulthood that prevented him knowing me and being my true father image. So what I’m really relating to is only a self-created impression from my own experience and perspective, I don’t actually understand him as he really is. He has at least 4 planets in Pisces and it shows in his life experience and way of speaking. I also watched the 1975 TV series named ‘Benoni og Rosa’ recently to understand his childhood adversity and the severe bullying he experienced in 1970s and 1980s Northern Norwegian society. He is of Sámi origins significantly and the kids called him ‘Lapp’ constantly, he didn’t know of his true Sámi roots until 2008 when I research his biological father history and genealogy. He is clearly over 25% Sámi or Finnish according to DNA-testing and his overall appearance match this as well, dark and coarse hair, high/prominent cheekbones plus almond-like shape to his eyes. I look more like him than I do with my mother in many ways. I wish he didn’t have the substance use addictions and his issues with rage, he has a tendency to play with others mind and emotions I know sadly from own experience in teenage years.

And I hope his Christmas and New Years will bring him more joy than pain.

Thanks for reading this post ❤

good-natured people

Daily writing prompt
Are you a good judge of character?
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in real life/offline I can quite easily tell by my inner feeling if someone is basically good-natured or not. Those who are not good-natured I will try to avoid whenever that is possible, I cannot deal well with mean people because I’m sensitive to rejection and of course to abuse of different types. Online I cannot see the full true behaviour of my fellow visitor of the World Wide Web so I’m really using my inner judgement based on their writing, my own offline experience with people and online reality/social rules.

in addition to see if someone is good-natured, I can tell whether someone truly likes me or not, if they are neurotypical or neurodivergent/autistic and I have a kind of intuition regarding someones music preferance being similar to mine.