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I used to feel like life was a constant battlefield of people working against their fellow human beings for shallow and somewhat surface level reasons. I felt under attack by society and politicians, by the bullies who tormented me (and very importantly also tormented my father before me) and racist ideologies like the extreme far-right persons I have encounter either offline or on online forums. And much of my fears and my own worldview was influenced by my past experiences and my untreated schizoaffective condition, along with undiagnosed Asperger syndrome as well.

When I got treatments for my schizoaffective condition my worldview changed over time partly because I now saw different aspects of political themes, how we can work together and fight for true justice. I also had more space within my mind to form independent opinions with clarity and especially the voice-hearing got less severe and disabling, the voices drain your spirits heavily and this really changed with time.

So I’m a fighter spirit but with faith in our world.

Thanks for reading ❤

Daily writing prompt

Write about your dream home.

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I really like to imagine, to see within my mind how something could be ideal. And my dream home is no exeption, it’s quite colourful and super comfortable inside with fluffy soft rugs and blankets, those kind of pillows with small beads inside them. If you don’t know already I’m on the autism spectrum, officially diagnosed with Asperger syndrome in particular. This is relevant to my dream home as well, I really enjoy having lots of open areas in the home in particular the view to our garden and the absolutely stunning beauty of Nature outside. I don’t need many rooms or expensive things, only comfort and a place to enjoy living on this Earth. One thing I really would prioritere are the dark roll-down curtains in front of bedroom window because of the Midnight sun shine in through the regular curtains. I’m native to the Arctic but I still need dark enough environments to be sleeping well. And zolpidem as well sometimes.

This used to be very similar to my real everyday life some years ago, btw.

Morning: wake up at 5 in the morning, morning rutine and my first can of energy drink (250ml dark blue Red Bull) this day. It’s early June month and I tidy my little apartment for some time, listen to music on my sound system. Enjoy the summer season sunshine right outside our house.

Afternoon: have some small meal like a baguette or similar food. I enjoy my Battery and a Monster together. I go for a long walk outside in the comfortable warmth. Music again when I get home from my lovely trip.

Evening: would it surprise you if I told you I still have energy drinks even in the evening? It helps me focus in a strange way on what’s really important at that moment. Even relaxing activities become easier with some enhanced focus, here and now mentality. And it’s a half litre/liter of Burn Apple kiwi ❤

Night: I listen to some great music on my iPod and get to sleep hearing through ear-bud phones. And my sleep was deep despite caffeine. I even sometimes take my evening/night medication with these cold drinks, often with less sugar.

Btw:

Can you tell I’m missing this part of my habit?

Wonderful any time of day to the readers of this blog ❤

Daily writing prompt

Are you patriotic? What does being patriotic mean to you?

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I would say I’m quite proud of our town, despite it’s shortcomings it’s still home. And 17th of May is a great celebration for us Norwegian citizens no matter ethnic background or faith. 🇧🇻

I’m also eternally grateful for my foreign friends in childhood and youth, the relationships were not just about me and my troubles; they had a good, real friendship with me also ❤

Culture ✨️ and compassion 💗💕

Daily writing prompt

If you had the power to change one law, what would it be and why?

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I have no words that capture entirely how strong I feel about the value of human life. This punishment is immoral and wicked, plus it makes no sense. Abolish it and then move on to the next abusive law to fight.

thank you for your time

As I may have said earlier in my blog life I’m from Northern Scandinavia, in particular Northern Norwegian. But I am also 1/4th Southern Scandinavian, mostly ancestry from Agder county and Rogaland county in Norway. Why am I telling you this now? Well, my reactions to very extremely good news depend on my environment and family; who I’m relating to and how I feel inside at that moment.

If I relate in Southern way I’m going to be calm and coherent and thank God in Heaven for the good news. Then I will tell my family with gentle and humble way that how we are so fortunate today. But Southern persons are not always this way, I know from my mother she gets furious eventually if you go too far.

In the Northern way I just show all my joy on outside, share with close people very soon after hearing the wonderful news. But I have some caution as well, we are not generally of the naive kind. But I still speak from my core being as my default position. There is significant prejudice also toward ethnic Norwegian people of the North, we are diverse in origins and culture. I’m of strong Kven and Finnish roots and our culture is very special, I have spoken before about our visit to Børselv in Finnmark.

Btw I just cannot stop writing and rambling now, so I say thank you so much for reading and have a wonderful evening ❤

In late 2016 my psych asked me if I wanted to help her have a Skype conversations with psychiatry students and other health-care workers about my psychotic condition, Asperger syndrome, bipolarity; experiences in life and my perspective on this topic. I said yes because I thought it could be very interesting and meaningful to everyone involved, including myself. So I wrote a long list in my notebook to bring with me on the conversations, thinking deep about the themes and what I wanted to say.

When I was there my vision was really blurry but I could speak just fine, not especially nervous about the topics. My psych told me she heard some things about my history and conditions that she wasn’t aware of, I think it was important that I prepared well for the talk. I wanted to get my message clear and to maybe open some eyes to how schizo-bipolar-obsessive-Asperger etc (that’s a long phrase) experiences feel from inside perspective.

As the title suggests I don’t do this as often as in my late teens or well into my 20s, I guess it’s partly age and partly my medications affecting my drinking experiences in strong ways. Plus my epilepsy, I don’t like the idea of having another seizure that was preventable. But I’m not perfect, so at times I have a significant drinking session and it’s actually still fun times when it gets to a certain point! Music is the big part of why I still drink on occation, I always listen to music when being tipsy/drunk because otherwise it’s kind of pointless and strange.

Thanks for visiting/reading and have a wonderful time where you are ❤

This necklace was and still is my favourite symbol of my Saami roots and cultural identity. It’s made from silver, it symbolic of our planet Earth in the form of a globe/round shape and I wear it when I feel especially connected with my ancestors.

Thank you everyone for reading my blog ❤

Daily writing prompt

If there was a biography about you, what would the title be?

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btw, the biography would mainly describe the different aspects of my history and the way of being a part of something more, my astrology birth chart taking a big part. It would be a lot about my given names (including Ingvild/Torunn/Johanne) and my struggles with different kinds of adversity and mental illness, plus my Arctic roots, family research and activism.

This chocolate is so good, with the hazel nuts and Swiss chocolate together. It’s worth the price in my point of view, and it’s a wonderful experience of milk chocolate. Enjoy our beauty of the little things in life, and have a wonderful afternoon ❤

Daily writing prompt

What’s your favorite candy?

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Norwegian language:

Jeg foretrekker syrlig godteri og er spesielt glad i rosa vepsebol. Jeg liker mørk sjokolade og laktosefri oreo shake. Jeg tar tid til å nyte det, det er viktig å unne seg noe av og til.

English:

I prefer sour candy, especially a type called vepsebol (it’s meaning like a wasp’s nest). I enjoy dark chocolate and lactose-free oreo shake. I take time to savor the experience, it’s important to reward/enjoy something different occationally.

thank you for reading ❤

This is a true story of my youth education:

Sleeping in late, but unfortunately it was at age 14 years and I had to arrive late to school. One time I got there like 20 minutes before the classes were over and we could go home, the teacher hated me already anyway so it was not that funny at all. I’ve mentioned this Norwegian supremacist man before on my other blog, he had his favourite students and I was not among them. He spoke behind my foreign friends (and me also) back to other Norwegians, and he is the only teacher I’ve ever truly felt was a bully.

In my adult life I need breaks from the outside world, and need moments in true privacy in the quiet environment. As I am autistic and also struggle with schizoaffective condition, every good peaceful time I have alone with myself really help me cope with the outside world.

And I want to say it’s nothing wrong with taking time off from draining activities, I need this in my life to get back up and fight for what’s right.

Thank you for reading ❤

I remember when it was new, and I still like finding music videos on YouTube. I’m not interested in doing much else there but sometimes I watch together with family members something interesting they found that they wish to share. Life would definitively be quite different without YouTube.

Daily writing prompt

Have you ever unintentionally broken the law?

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WARNING: MAY BE LITTLE TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

I had a taste of an energy drink before it was legal in Norway, this was at age 13 in 2006. I didn’t buy them, someone else had bought in Sweden (we lived in border regions). Many years later I had some cans of cider before getting in the car as passager and this unfortunately made me almost have accident in car. But I just avoided this luckily, my relative told me to sit by the road in the cold snow hahaha could not be relieved anyway. I made it home in time. Another time it was successfully done, but this was in very remote areas. Sorry for being very strange now, I’m silly and quite manic!

Daily writing prompt

Have you ever unintentionally broken the law?

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I’m not exactly certain if it was illegal but I’ve driven a snowmobile without official lessons or lisence at age 16. And btw it was great fun!

another time I was a passager in a relatives car when the police saw her ‘forbikjøring’ in risky way. We were lucky the police man was kind to us when we were asked why.

Daily writing prompt

The most important invention in your lifetime is…

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I really owe my okay life to my antipsychotics whether I like it not, it’s why I’m able to go on with some more peace of mind. So I need to mention this also in addition to my post about insight into my own situation.

Daily writing prompt

The most important invention in your lifetime is…

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Norwegian language text: Dette høres muligens ut som selvopptatt men det er feil oppfatning. Før jeg skjønte hvem jeg var og vil fortsette å være, trengte jeg å ha et åpent sinn og vilje til å akseptere det jeg så og opplevde i prosessen. I mitt tilfelle var det psykiatri og astrologi som gjorde stor forskjell i livet og hvor det gikk videre til. Vil nevne et par aspekter som er relevant: få diagnose(r), medisiner, livsstil, musikk, naturopplevelser og sist men ikke minst psykologisk astrologi.

English summary: it wasn’t one thing but many aspects together within my experiences; insight into my own situation. Needed to open-mindedly see it and determination/will to accept the real process. Psychiatry and astrology are big parts of it and particularly with the following themes: getting the diagnosis, medication, lifestyle, music, experiences in nature and last but not least psychological astrology.

ble inspirert av en blogg jeg leste i dag, det kommer innenfra ❤

I go between feeling euphoric and strong optimism to being very dark minded and in deep emotional pain. It’s a part of my schizoaffective and I feel like this to some degree despite my medications and I avoid excess indulgence on darkness in emotions/thoughts when I’m unstable. Or at least I try to.

As I’ve said before I have experience with different kinds of adversity in my life, mostly in childhood and youth. It’s so deep in my family roots as well, nothing shallow to this aspect in other words. I’m also just like anyone else btw, because we all have difficult lives and our family history and deeper roots affect us more than many believe on the surface level.

I’m so grateful to be alive and share my experiences with others, and this activity of blogging is what I needed to do to really see it.

Thank you for your time and I hope it was of value to my readers, I think you are special and kind natured people overall ❤

Yes, this is a thing in our family even though we don’t have our own reindeer husbandry currently. Not everyone can keep reindeer here and we live in a so-called ‘city’, but there are reindeer at the Saami siida here.

Back to our family tradition: we count reindeer when we see them, and it’s a family tradition going back centuries if my memory is correct. I love this tradition and it should be continued for our future generations, it’s really quite eccentric and fun!

Daily writing prompt

Describe your most ideal day from beginning to end.

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Early: Woke up at 5 am as usual, today I’m having the alcopop I bought yesterday along with the sugar-free Monster energy drinks. It’s in spring season and I enjoy the nice weather outside, I have a outdoor chair with a table beside to enjoy the combination in our wonderful garden. I go inside and play music on my little sound system, in this case it’s hardstyle. I listen for an hour or two then I have a long moment of stillness with closed eyes, you could possibly call it mindfulness if I hadn’t been slightly affected by the drinks. No regrets. I write something about my great day in my notebooks and on my blog, have a deep long conversation with my good friend on the phone and we make plans to meet in person soon.

afternoon: good main meal, some more alcopop along and I play some metal genres and other rock music on my iPod listening with my ear buds and appreciate this a lot. Later I stay with my mothers dog, keeping her with company while my mother is at work.

evening/night: I spend time in total Darkness to get better chance of another good nights sleep, some significant time after my session I take my regular evening medications along with a sleep aid/medications (melatonin + zolpidem combined) and I fall asleep in peace with myself and the World.

And if you are wondering why I listen to music most of the day it’s mostly because it’s genuinely fun times and partly to quiet the inner pain of my voice-hearing and intrusive thoughts. It cannot be completely “sane” or ‘normal’ in this life, it is what it is. Life is wonderful always, behind the thick, dark rain clouds and sounds of thunder.

thanks for listening, kind persons ❤

Daily writing prompt

Describe your most ideal day from beginning to end.

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My first thought was this track (it’s sad)

I wake up at 5 am as usual, have been sleeping long enough to feel rested. I have a cup of Darjeeling tea and then take my medications without trouble. I listen to music, I go on a walk to the local store to not buy alcohol-containing drinks and then some anyway because I’m not an alcoholic, yeah? So I have some good conversations as well, my pain is under control and I have moments of deep stillness for half hour. I take my evening pills and I save my alcopop for tomorrow, a new day. Sweet strawberry dreams.

thank you for reading, and I promise you I’m okay ❤

Daily writing prompt

What were your parents doing at your age?

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I don’t really know what my father was doing at age 31 but he has had addiction since before I was born (and still does), and before I was 2 years old we left and I grew up with a single mother and the other close and extended family including both sides of my family tree.

my mother was a student and a mother of two children; my half-brother and me. She had an addiction to nicotine but otherwise okay, we have strong bond still. And our first dog (a Sheltie), came into our lives then also. And she has quit a long time (decades) ago smoking, that’s a very good job done on her part ❤

Btw they are both born in 1968 so it was around the same time: 1999/2000.

The ones we lost and the ones who were born. The sadness and the passion for life are real and my perspective is different, changes, for each experience I have in life. I’m very grateful for life no matter how painful and disabling my medical conditions are and will continue to be for the rest of my living days. Our younger generation will shape the World, I see great potential in my younger relatives. I believe in walking on my own path in this lifetime, there is so much to be experienced and to grow back together, my wounded healer potential (Chiron themes) is profound and important.

Thanks for your time and the visit ❤

Living so far North we are used to cold temperatures and snow, and the ice traction cleats we have are very helpful on blank ice so not to slip and fall. It’s not in our local culture to complain about the weather, we just stay inside during the rough weather/storms and wait til it gets back to normal again. I’m happy with our Northern spirits and passion for life, some sense of humor as well.

Thank you for reading ❤

It feels like I am to busy to travel around Scandinavia and Finland to see for myself what my ancestors environment was like, even though I really wish to do this it never gets made into reality. But I still dream of this eventually becoming real and the unforgettable memories from our Torne River Valley trip in 2016 stands out as my most insightful and deep summer holiday experience ever.

Norwegian language text:

Jeg vil reise rundt i Skandinavia og Finland for å se landskapet og ulike kulturelle aktiviteter, jeg er meget interessert i slektsforskning og vår etniske arv. Jeg føler at jeg har det for travelt til å virkelig reise dit jeg egentlig ønsker å besøke, men det trenger ikke å være sånn for evig tid.

Takk for besøket/thanks for visiting ❤

Daily writing prompt

You get some great, amazingly fantastic news. What’s the first thing you do?

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Soon after hearing the wonderful news I would tell someone I know of my joy and excitement. I like to experience shared enthusiasm over good news.

Daily writing prompt

Something on your “to-do list” that never gets done.

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I’m going to be completely honest and say there are a lot of things that never get done; both inside me (mental health/voice-hearing, emotional wounds etc) and the outside world (like organizing my apartment, meeting with friends and other positive/good stressors). It’s very related to my difficult time with apathy and avolition that are significant parts of my own symptoms of schizoaffective and autistic conditions. Not everyone with these dx has the same type symptoms and difficulties that I have, just to clarify that I’m aware of the diversity within the diagnoses. And I need to sort out what I should start with first, a small step forward can help make it easier to complete and follow through with.

As I’m crazy about privacy and I have severe mental illness I chose to cover the laptop camera on my first laptop computer, and I still do this. I saw a video about schools monitoring and watching the cameras of the teenage students and it really made me aware of real abuse of digital education, not just a symptom of my true paranoid delusions and insecurity.

Daily writing prompt

What’s your favorite thing to cook?

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Mostly I just heat ready-made food in the microwave and eat by myself, but my favourite is making real home made pizza together with family members. It’s fun to decide what to have for topping and also having some greater influence on how it’s made, some related with our health conditions and savory taste in focus. And it’s made using lactose-free cheese, I’m intolerant like a lot of my fellow Sámi ethnicity patients and nurses I’ve met at psych wards.

Also it’s so much fun to finally satisfy the slight hunger and get to eat after cooking something you used some time and some creative thinking to enjoy together with other people. And I want to mention that the Zyprexa I take for schizoaffective condition can make people gain more weight. But regarding this aspect I’m absolutely not going to complain much, because I’m very happy to have responded well to medication and feeling more stable overall.

Thanks for reading ❤

I want to see my old environment I used to live in, we moved North in 2009 and I haven’t been there since then. It’s in Nordland fylke/county and I honestly wish I had courage to name the city. No, wait I’m telling you now: the name of the small city is Narvik and I lived there a significant part of my youth, and I’ve also been in Northern parts of Nordland county in general like Lofoten, Vesterålen and the rest of Ofoten area.

And I’m also sure local Northern Norwegian people know of the rival towns in the region.

1 I enjoy visual effects I get from seeing floor patterns, it’s like some slightly trippy feeling and I don’t understand why other people don’t notice and have appreciation of the visual experience

2 playing yatzy in Easter holiday sunshine on our cottage in the Mountain

3 walking the dog (my mothers dog), she is so funny when we go on a small journey in the outside world; one thing she gets up on her hind legs and I call her ‘zombie dog’ because of how she appears to humans.

4 being with my friend on a car trip around our local areas, finding some places to be outside taking pictures and other outdoor activities in addition to driving

5 music and my semi-meditative state, forgetting my troubles, not notice the time going by and feeling connection with the present time in my inner world

If I ever want to get more formal education I must confront my fear of schools and school systems and generally my fear of teenagers in general. This is a major part of my life and it’s often the reason I write about my school years and my struggles there. I don’t know really how others could truly convince me without me actually wanting to put in the efforts it needs. So those are some of my thoughts this evening.

Thanks for reading my blog, I hope your days are good ❤

I give people a good slow start opportunity to show me who they are. I listen with care and trust in my inner feelings when I interact people most of the time, a strange thing about my autism is that I’m usually good at this particular part of social life and communication. I don’t look people in the eyes so I rely on other methods in my interaction. Autistic people are real people like neurotypical persons, we have different strenghts, difficulties and gifts as well.

Thank you for your time reading ❤

I just bought a pair of winter shoes yesterday and I really love wearing them outside. The only difficult things are getting them on and off my foot, they are tall and with lacing. They are named Amundsen and made by TOPAZ brand of Norway, I have pictures of them on this blog if curious what the rest of the appearance is. It’s not reindeer hide but seals, so not ideal for many vegans. They really keep you warm even in -25°C so they are absolutely awesome high boots for our winter temperatures and climate. And my favourite hoodies along with them 🤩👌

Thank you for reading ❤