answer to dailyprompt-2051
Grudges? About? Here it is:
Note/warning: dark topics, hope and resilience.
Most important part at end of my blog post
My history; I was bullied and abused during my school years, undiagnosed moderate-severe Asperger syndrome, psychosis, the mood disorder and medical illness related to my control of the function of the body. Yes, I had these episodes at school where I couldn’t hold it anymore or the urge came too quickly and the results were visible on my clothes.
they called me names and I was much shorter so the bullies could successfully hold my things far above me. I usually hated going to school. I’m actually still somewhat afraid of tall children, but my cousins teenage daughter is extremely tall for her age and gender so I’m less fearful now. Many Asperger syndrome persons are often target of bullying because we are different from the others, in addition I have a type of schizophrenic mood disorder that affects every part of my mind states and emotional regulation.
I had an abusive teacher at one of my three different primary school. Yeah, we moved school three times part because of significant bullying. It was extremely difficult experiences. He used me in ways I cannot describe here. I don’t trust people the same way after these horrible things happening to me at nine years old. I’m getting help now for my childhood adversity history, so it’s part why I write about this now.
These are some sentences in North Saami and Finnish languages, my ancestors were native Finno-Ugric language speakers. They tried to stop our cultural features but here we are in 2025 very proud of our ethnic diversity in all forms.
Eahket lea nuorra, eallin lea issoras. Mun in bala máilmmis, ii oktage sáhte bissehit mu. Ilta on nuori, elämä on ihanaa. En pelkää maailmaa, kukaan ei voi minua pysäyttää. (The evening is young, life is wonderful. I am not afraid of the world, no one can stop me.)
Sii eai nagodan billistit mu. Mun lean ain dáppe, in goassege vuollán. He eivät kyenneet murtamaan minua. Olen yhä täällä, enkä koskaan luovuta. (De klarte ikke å knekke meg. Jeg er fortsatt her, og gir aldri opp.)
My astrology: I’m a 12th house Sun, Mercury and Chiron. Born in late summer shortly after sunrise. (I’m the Lioness Maiden!) the Leo or Virgo Rising/Ascendant sign. Double Virgo in Western tropical astrology. In some other systems I’m a quad Leo. A quadruple Leo! Moon within 4th house in Scorpio or Sagittarius. Moon closely aspects my Pluto and Saturn. Saturn within 6th house in Aquarius, Mars + Jupiter in Libra sign within 2nd house. The extremely close Uranus/Neptune conjunction in Capricorn of early 1990s within 5th house. Venus in Cancer sign in 11th house. Pluto in Scorpio is exactly opposite my Taurus Midheaven/MC so it’s in my deep roots in transformation and healing process. Chiron (in Leo sign) is the mythology wounded healer and my Sun/Mercury conjunction aspects these symbols in 12th house.
So I’m wounded inside and feelings of hurt deep within, traumatic memories and the old times thinking kicks in when triggered by teenagers or blond hair adult men. I’m uncomfortable around being alone with male persons, even very good natured mental-health workers I feel unsafe.
My Scorpio traits are interesting, one of the worst bullies I’ve met was a Sun/Pluto conjunction in Scorpio sign. I disliked her intensely and thinking of her makes me feel hurt and wounded inside.
I was ashamed of my medical conditions and different way of being, I didn’t know of my autism spectrum disorder until 2010. I’m very interested in astrology partly because it helps Asperger syndrome person understand better how others mind is working together with our own basic perception and perspectives.
Yeah, I like drinking. I’m trying to stop using this substance as my preferred escape methods from memories and emotional pain. It’s also expensive. But I’m just drinking cold beverages with caffeine in right now it’s a Battery Exotic Fruit. Sometimes I feel like drinking a whole large bottle of Bacardi Razz in one evening. But then I decide not act on that very destructive impulse 🫂💙
But in the end I’m happy with life as it is, we cannot change the past. I’m thankful for this gift of life I’ve been given, no matter what happened to me or family members. I am a survivor, and with strong Finnish fighter spirits as part of my core values. We need true freedom inside us. To feel like we can move on in our world. The person hurt the most by grudges is the self. The persons own well-being and health.
We all are good enough for living here on planet Earth and it’s important to remember:
we only have this life once.
Thank you for listening ❤
cloudB 