Sometimes I feel like what is good is the intoxication I get from substances and recreational activities, because it feels like an escape from the Darkness. Yet other times I just stay in the ordinary space and hope for insight to be found in my introspective thoughts and understanding my depraved or grandiose theme dreaming at night. There is not a sharp divide between the two ways, there is clarity to being high/intoxicated and deep delusions in waking sober reality. One thing that comes to mind especially is the topic of love. I have no romantic partner or any relationship of this nature. I honestly feel like it’s too strange to consider for me being in that type relationship, I want to feel absolutely certain that the relationship is respect is privacy plus not in any types abusive. I know from other people experience that love and hate can co exist in very difficult ways between families and partners. I also know the dark side to other types of environments like schools and even hospital wards. Didn’t like being bullied and used in different ways I didn’t want, feeling like I was nothing to be there not like the others. I am really looking forward to being with my family and the little dog, maybe having some good take out food together.
cloudB 